BACKGROUND INFORMATION: The information outlined in this section is a composite of that obtained through interviews with Mr. Kaczynski, review of the extensive collateral information, and interviews with those individuals outlined above. Mr. Kaczynski was viewed as a relatively reliable historian in regard to most of the information that was provided. On advice of his attorneys, he provided only limited information regarding his activities immediately around the time of the currently charged offenses. Mr. Kaczynski tended to emphasize or minimize certain aspects of his history and recited descriptions of many events by rote, using the wording used in his writings. With encouragement, he was able to provide additional detail regarding some of those points. The information provided by Mr. Kaczynski was generally consistent with that provided by other sources.
Theodore John Kaczynski was born in Chicago, Illinois on 05/22/42. He is the oldest son born to Theodore Richard Kaczynski and Teresa (Wanda) Dombeck Kaczynski. He has one brother, David Kaczynski, who is sevens years younger, born in 1949. His father is deceased, having died on 10/02/90 from a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head. His father had been diagnosed shortly before his death with lung cancer with metastasis to the spine. His mother is 80 years old and resides in Schenectady, New York, near David and his wife Linda.
Mr. Kaczynski's father was initially employed as a sausage maker over the years. He spent part of his employment working for relatives in that business, but subsequently obtained employment with a food products company and then with several foam cutting companies in the Chicago area. He transferred with the latter job to Iowa and then back to Illinois. He reportedly provided adequately for the family, from a financial standpoint. He had no clear history of psychiatric illness, although it is noted that he committed suicide reportedly in response to his poor prognosis and significant pain related to the diagnosis of cancer. He had no criminal or substance abuse history. Wanda Kaczynski has spent most of her life working in the home, although earlier she completed approximately two years of college education. At a later point, when the family moved to Iowa, she completed her degree in teaching, and subsequently taught for a few years. Most recently, she was employed in an office situation She has no history of mental illness, [text redacted]
Available reports indicate that the pregnancy with Mr. Kaczynski was full term with no significant problems prior to delivery. As a young child, he reached developmental milestones such as sitting up, walking, and talking within normal parameters. He was hospitalized at the age of approximately nine months, for several days, as the result of an allergic reaction. Hospital course was apparently uneventful and he was discharged without known medical sequelae. Conflicting reports exist as to the significance of that hospitalization. Records reviewed through notes kept in Mr. Kaczynski's baby book do not provide much information in regard to problems following that hospitalization. Information provided by Wanda Kaczynski, however, indicates her perception that his hospitalization was a significant and traumatic event for her son, in that he experienced a separation from his mother (due to routine hospital practices). She describes him as having changed after the hospitalization in that he was withdrawn, less responsive, and more fearful of separation from her after that point in time. Mr. Kaczynski experienced usual childhood diseases including mumps and chicken pox, and underwent a tonsillectomy at age six and removal of a congenital cyst of his upper jaw at age 12 or 13.
Again somewhat conflicting accounts exist as to his early social development. He was viewed as a bright child and was described by his mother as not being particularly comfortable around other children and displaying fears of people and buildings. She noted that he played beside other children rather than with them. Her concern about him apparently led her to consider enrolling him in a study being conducted by Bruno Betleheim regarding autistic children. No detailed information is available about this, but Wanda Kaczynski indicated that she did not pursue that opportunity. Instead, she utilized advice published by Dr. Spock in attempting to rear her son.
Mr. Kaczynski describes his early childhood as relatively uneventful, until the age of eight or nine. He described memories of early play with other children, although he too recounts being somewhat fearful of people and describes himself as socially reserved. He recounts a few significant episodes in his early life referencing the hospitalization mentioned above, being scalded by boiling water, and falling and cutting his tongue. Mr. Kaczynski denies any history of physical abuse in his family. He does admit to receiving occasional spankings, but felt that this was not excessive or cruel. He does specifically describe extreme verbal and emotional abuse during his upbringing, although he did not identify this as a problem until he was in his 20s.
The family initially lived in a working class neighborhood in Chicago and Mr. Kaczynski described the family as having middle class aspirations but living only one step above the slums. He remembers his mother focusing on his dialect, encouraging him not to talk like the kids in the street, and responds that he complied by speaking one way at home and another way when interacting with the other children.
By the age of eight or nine, Mr. Kaczynski describes that he was no longer well accepted by the neighborhood children or his peers at school. The neighborhood children "bordered on delinquency" by his account, and he was not willing or interested in being involved in their activities. The family moved several times, bettering their housing status, eventually moving to Evergreen Park, Illinois, when he was approximately age 10. He describes this as a middle class suburb of Chicago.
Mr. Kaczynski attended kindergarten and grades one through four at Sherman Elementary school in Chicago. He attended fifth through eighth grade at Evergreen Park Central school. As the result of testing conducted in the fifth grade, it was determined that he could skip the sixth grade and enroll with the seventh grade class. According to various accounts, testing showed him to have a high IQ and, by his account, his parents were told he was a genius. He claims that his IQ was in the 160 to 170 range. Testing supposedly conducted at that time has not been made available for review. Mr. Kaczynski described this skipping a grade as a pivotal event in his life. He remembers not fitting in with the older children and being the subject of considerable verbal abuse and teasing from them. He did not describe having any close friends during that period of time.
He attended high school at Evergreen Park Community High School. He did well overall from an academic standpoint but reports some difficulty with math in his sophomore year. He was subsequently placed in a more advanced math class and mastered the material, then skipped the 11th grade. As the result, he completed his high school education two years early, although this did require him to take a summer school course in English. During the latter years of high school he was encouraged to apply to Harvard, and was subsequently accepted as a student, beginning in the fall of 1958. He was 16 years old at the time.
Mr. Kaczynski completed his undergraduate degree in Mathematics, graduating in June 1962, at the age of 20. He began his first year of graduate study at the University of Michigan at Ann Arbor in the fall of 1962. He completed his Masters and Ph.D., by the age of 2 5 . Following graduation, he accepted a position as assistant professor in the Math Department at the University of California at Berkeley, and remained in that position from September 1967 until June 1969.
During his high school years, Mr. Kaczynski was not involved in many activities. He did play the trombone and speaks with pride about the lessons he took from a well known trombone instructor. He denies any involvement in sports or interest in group activities. After starting college, he was hospitalized briefly and diagnosed as suffering from infectious mononucleosis. He recovered without significant sequelae.
Mr. Kaczynski describes being happy with the birth of his younger brother, and he and family report a relatively strong relationship between the boys (when age differences were taken into consideration), throughout Mr. Kaczynski's school years.
Mr. Kaczynski's employment history is somewhat limited and consists of a variety of jobs held for relatively short periods. In the summer before college, he was involved in part time activities in maintenance and repair at a local elementary school. The summer after his freshman year of college, he worked at a spice packing plant. During graduate school in Michigan, he worked as a teaching fellow for approximately three of the five years. As noted, he then accepted an assistant professor position in the Math Department at Berkeley. Following resignation from that position, he returned to live with his parents in Lombard, Illinois, and began looking for land, where he could establish a more isolated existence. In 1969 he had some temporary employment at warehouse jobs and factories while looking for the land. From 1971 until the time of his arrest, he was for the most part unemployed and living off the land, with some limited financial support from his family. Intermittently, he worked to obtain needed money, which included employment in the fall of 1972 and spring of 1973 in masonry and groundskeeping jobs. In 1978 and 1979, he worked a few months at a foam cutting company in Lombard, Illinois, where his father and brother were employed. He was fired from that job after inappropriate behavior towards the female manager and subsequently worked briefly at the Prince Castle Restaurant & Equipment Company.
Mr. Kaczynski had no periods of service in the military and indicated he was deferred from the draft due to his status as a student and later as a teacher.
Prior to his current legal situation, Mr. Kaczynski has had no significant criminal record of arrests or incarceration. He did receive a traffic ticket for passing a stopped school bus about 25 years ago. This required him to appear at the Justice of the Peace Court to resolve the ticket. No attorney representation was involved, he pled guilty, and paid a fine of $30. He has never retained an attorney for any other reasons. He has never served as a juror nor been a plaintiff in a legal action.
Mr. Kaczynski denies any significant history of substance use or abuse, including alcohol or nicotine. This is confirmed by other sources of collateral information.
Mr. Kaczynski describes no religious affiliation [text redacted]. Since living on his own, he has not affiliated with any religion.
Mr. Kaczynski has no history of inpatient psychiatric hospitalizations or ongoing treatment. He does have a history of brief contacts with mental health systems in various places. Although he had interactions with guidance counselors around academic issues in junior high and high school, it appears he was not involved in any type of counseling. As referenced earlier, he underwent a battery of psychological testing in the fifth grade, the results of which initiated the decision for him to be advanced academically ahead of his peer group. After entering Harvard, he voluntarily became involved a psychological study of young men. He underwent some psychological testing and completed a written autobiography at that time. Results from that study will be discussed in the psychological testing portion of this report.
While at the University of Michigan he sought psychiatric contact on one occasion at the start of his fifth year of study. As referenced above, he had been experiencing several weeks of intense and persistent sexual excitement involving fantasies of being a female. During that time period he became convinced that he should undergo sex change surgery. He recounts that he was aware that this would require a psychiatric referral, and he set up an appointment at the Health Center at the University to discuss this issue. He describes that while waiting in the waiting room, he became anxious and humiliated over the prospect of talking about this to the doctor. When he was actually seen, he did not discuss these concerns, but rather claimed he was feeling some depression and anxiety over the possibility that the deferment status would be dropped for students and teachers, and that he would face the possibility of being drafted into the military. He indicates that the psychiatrist viewed his anxiety and depression as not atypical. Mr. Kaczynski describes leaving the office and feeling rage, shame, and humiliation over this attempt to seek evaluation. He references this as significant turning point in his life.
Beginning in the spring of 1988, Mr. Kaczynski made several contacts with mental health systems around the issue of establishing relationships with women. He indicates that in 1988 he was suffering from insomnia and a renewed interest in getting advice and moral support to establish a relationship with a woman. He describes picking a psychologist's name out of the phone book and writing her a letter about his interest. He indicates that his decision to seek this type of counseling resulted after having a dream about a young woman. Upon awakening he had the idea that perhaps at age 45 it was not too late for him to establish a relationship, and at that point he thought of leaving his isolated life in Montana and finding a job and a female for himself. As noted, he sent a detailed letter to the therapist and saw her once. He had a positive experience in the session and subsequently sought employment. He states that during the session the therapist, Elizabeth Gilbertson, had mentioned the thought of her arranging a meeting with him and some of her female clients. He subsequently wrote her a letter with the hopes of reminding her to do so, but she did not pick up on his implied message. He also came to the realization that he could not afford to see her regularly, although he could have afforded one more visit. Subsequent to that session, he wrote to the Mental Health Center in Helena, requesting that he be assigned a therapist or counselor with whom he could correspond by mail. Mr. Kaczynski indicates that this could not be worked out and he remained depressed for the next several months. Although the depression lightened eventually, it remained there to some degree until 1994.
In 1991 Mr. Kaczynski contacted a local general practitioner, Dr. Glen Wielenga, in Lincoln, concerning insomnia. Mr. Kaczynski indicates the doctor suspected he was depressed, but he was somewhat dissatisfied with Dr. Wielenga's assessment. Dr. Wielenga did prescribe Trazadone at a dose of 50mg. at bedtime. Mr. Kaczynski took it for three days. It made him sleep, but he experienced daytime drowsiness and gas from it, and discontinued the medication. He subsequently wrote to the Mental Health Center in Great Falls, asking for recommendation of a few people he could contact in regard to finding a psychiatrist, but did not follow through and his insomnia remitted without treatment.
Records indicate that Mr. Kaczynski saw Dr. Gilbertson as noted above. He also made contact via letter to Dr. Melnick, a psychiatrist in Missouri . He was subsequently unable to afford her fees.
Around this same time, in the spring of 1991, he set up an appointment with Carolyn Goren, M.D., in Missoula, Montana. He sought evaluation and treatment for symptoms of palpitations and stress. Prior to his visit, he sent Dr. Goren a letter outlining his concerns. He was seen on 04/29/91, and subsequently had one follow up visit some months later. After his initial visit, Mr. Kaczynski continued to monitor his blood pressure, which remained within normal limits, and provided these values to Dr. Goren on a semi annual basis for several years. No significant cardiac problems were identified during his evaluation time. Collateral information also supports that Mr. Kaczynski sent a letter to the Director of the Golden Triangle Community Mental Health Center in October 1993 concerning his problem of insomnia and asking for location of a suitable psychiatrist that he could see on a reduced fee. There was no follow through with an appointment. Mr. Kaczynski had no other mental health contacts prior to the period after his arrest on the current charges. [text redacted].
Following his visit to Dr. Goren and his belief that perhaps the potential of an ongoing relationship existed with her, he made the decision to acquire a more conventional career. He decided to attend school at the undergraduate level to obtain a degree in journalism. He corresponded with the University of Montana and subsequently was required to take the Graduate Record Exam. Even after he determined that there was not a possibility of an actual relationship with Dr. Goren, he took the exam anyway and reportedly scored quite well. He never matriculated to the University.
In reviewing available background information on Mr. Kaczynski's life, it was useful to review his two lengthy autobiographical documents. At the time he went to Harvard and became involved in a psychological study of students there, he was asked to write the first autobiography. He completed this in one or two days, in 1959. Twenty years later, over a period of several months, he wrote a 216 page autobiography of his life.
In the autobiography in 1959, Mr. Kaczynski describes an uneventful early childhood, and indicates that he was somewhat rebellious towards his parents, who were quite lenient with him. He describes his relationship with his parents as quite affectionate and denies any involvement in delinquent behavior. He notes the testing that occurred in fifth grade and the impact on his life of skimping the sixth grade. Despite that, he claims that he did establish a few friendships in junior high. [text redacted]. In addition to playing the trombone in the school band for a few years, he also collected coins. He denies any dating during junior high or high school. Upon entering Harvard, he was struck with the realization that he was no longer smarter than all the other students. Nonetheless, he did above average work, excelling in math. Later, he notes that during the last few years, his relationship with his parents had deteriorated and often resulted in arguments. He describes his mother as having an "artist's temperament" and indicates he respected her more than his father. He describes his father as an extrovert, who had a number of community interests. At the end of the autobiography, he lists a variety of information that he "forgot to include." Of note, he references quarreling a lot with his brother, but generally having a friendly relationship, although he viewed himself as being superior in intellect and in strength of will. He noted he enjoyed building structures out of wooden blocks and playing with his chemistry set. He references one friend, whom he describes as a "rather dull fellow with average intelligence and not too interesting." He viewed himself as being collectively regarded as a shy, hard working student.
The autobiographical notes completed in 1979 provided a much more detailed account of Mr. Kaczynski's view of his history. This is divided into various age periods and separated into the periods zero through age nine; age 10 to 15; age 16 to 20; age 20 to 24; age 24 to 27; and then from age 27 on (to age 37). The original copy is handwritten.
It is of note that after leaving his job at the University of California at Berkeley, Mr. Kaczynski spent approximately two years attempting to locate a piece of wilderness land upon which he could live, isolated from society. In 1971 he succeeded in building a small cabin on a piece of land that he purchased in conjunction with his brother, in Lincoln, Montana. From 1971 until his arrest on 04/03/96, Mr. Kaczynski's primary residence was HCR 30, Box 27, Lincoln, Montana 59630. The cabin was situated a short distance off a road, but the approximately one and one-half acre of land provided him solitude and ready access to wilderness area. Although he had neighbors in the vicinity, he was able to maintain minimal contact with them if he so chose. During that time period, he made an effort to live off the land and over a period of years, developed increased sophistication with identification of edible plants, gardening, food preservation, hunting, and game preservation, and developed some necessary skills in the area of tool making and sewing. The cabin was not equipped with any plumbing and his water supply was provided by a creek located near the cabin. He did not have any electricity at the house although hook up was available nearby. During the early years of his residence there, he had a car and subsequently for a short time a pick up truck. After that, he maintained a bicycle for transportation or walked into town, where he had access to public transportation. The cabin was located approximately four miles outside of Lincoln. Mr. Kaczynski remained there, except for several short periods where he traveled and sought employment to earn some money. He was provided with a minimal stipend from his parents throughout this time period and used the money he had originally earned at Berkeley and other intermittent jobs to support himself - He estimated that it generally cost him less that $400 a year to live, after he became established in his routine.
In June 1969, after leaving his job a Berkeley, Mr. Kaczynski moved to Lombard, Illinois to stay with his parents. That summer he and David traveled to Canada, looking for a piece of wilderness land for Mr. Kaczynski to buy. He applied for permission to purchase land in British Columbia. During that time, David was enrolled at Columbia University. Following his graduation in 1970, David moved to Great Falls, Montana. Throughout the summer of 1970, Mr. Kaczynski continued to look for wilderness land in Alaska and subsequently learned that his application for land in Canada was denied. He had a short period of employment for a few months at the end of 1970 with Abbot Consultants in Elmherst, Illinois. In the summer of 1971 he purchased his land in Lincoln, where he built his cabin with minimal assistance from his brother. During the period of late 1972 until December 1973, Mr. Kaczynski worked at a variety of jobs in Chicago and Salt Lake City, Utah. He returned to his cabin in Montana in June 1973. In September 1974, for two to three weeks, he worked at a gas station in Montana, earning a few hundred dollars. In January 1975 he traveled to Oakland, California, and returned to his cabin in March. In May 1978 he returned to Chicago in search of work and obtained employment at Foam Cutting Engineers, where his father and brother were employed. He continued in that job for about a month, until he was fired. He was subsequently employed by Prince Castle from September 1978 until March 1979. After quitting his job at Prince Castle, he lived with his parents in Lombard, Illinois and in the early summer of 1979 returned to his cabin in Montana. He remained there until mid 1980, when he traveled to Canada, again in search of wilderness land. Upon his return and with his lack of success in finding wilderness, he settled into his cabin where he remained in residence until the time of this arrest on the current charges.
While residing in his cabin, he would regularly travel to town for supplies, go to the Post Office, and use the Library. Periodically he would travel beyond Lincoln. This was usually accomplished by bus.
Sometime in the 1980s, Mr. Kaczynski decided to study Spanish. He claims he acquired an old Berlitz Spanish instruction book for a few dollars and used that as the basis for his studies. His writings show that he practiced his Spanish by doing translations and corresponded with an Hispanic, [text redacted] to assist in practicing the language. Review of information from his cabin shows that he also translated material that he viewed to be more sensitive into Spanish in his journals.
Over the time period from 1969 until his arrest, Mr. Kaczynski recorded many of his thoughts, ideas, and activities in writing and maintained these writings in his cabin. He also maintained correspondence with his family over a number of years and saved much of that correspondence. Review of these extensive writings provides a narrative and his own analysis of his life and behaviors.
The following information is a composite of that obtained through review of the extensive writings completed by Mr. Kaczynski. Throughout his writings and conversations, he focuses on the fact that he was moved from the fifth to seventh grade. He identifies this as the cause of his lack of development of social skills, a problem that continues with him to the present. Between the seventh and 12th grade, he perceived "a gradual increasing amount of hostility I had to face from the other kids. By the time I left high school, I was definitely regarded as a freak by a large segment of the student body." He describes a number of incidents in his junior high and high school years, including a discussion of making a small pipe bomb in chemistry, which gained him some notoriety. He described himself as having frustrated resentment towards school, parents, and the student body" which often was given outlet through snotty behavior in the classroom which often took a sarcastic or crudely humorous turn."
[text redacted] He admits that he was "probably a very difficult teenager to live with" and that his parents "were in some respect generous and unselfish." He describes developing a "system of morality that evolved into an abstract artificial construction that could not possibly be applied in practice" but never telling anybody about this system because he knew they would never take it seriously. At the same time, he describes looking for a way to justify hating people. At times in his writings, he focuses, in an extraordinary amount of detail, on passing or short lived relationships or potential relationships with females. This is illustrated by his discussion of his relationship with [text redacted] when he was 10, [text redacted] when he was 16, [text redacted] when he was 17, [text redacted] when he was 32, "Ms. Z" when he was in graduate school, and [text redacted] when he was 36.
Mr. Kaczynski writes about his experiences at Harvard and in essence describes a very isolated existence, with only infrequent interactions with other students. It was not until his sophomore year that he made a few brief friendships, but due to circumstances they did not persist. As noted, in his sophomore year he participated in a research Study at Harvard, conducted by Professor Murray, which looked at the psychological functioning of young men at Harvard.
Mr. Kaczynski claimed in his writing, that during his college years he had fantasies of living a primitive life and fantasized himself as an agitator, rousing mobs to frenzies of revolutionary violence. He claims that during that time he started to think about breaking away from normal society. He describes that beginning in college he began to worry about his health in particular ways, always having a fear-that a symptom could result in something serious. He also claims that during high school and college he would often become terribly angry and because he could not express that anger or hatred openly "I would therefore indulge in fantasies of revenge. However, I never attempted to put any such fantasies into effect because I was too strongly conditioned ... against any defiance of authority. To be more precise, I could not have committed a crime of revenge even a relatively minor crime because of my f ear of being caught and punished was all out of proportion to the actual danger of being caught." He describes that as a result, he had little comfort from his fantasies of revenge. He describes a vivid memory of a nightmare in his senior year at Harvard wherein he saw his trombone teacher standing in a room looking like a noble old man, he then saw a mist and heard angels, and when the mist cleared the teacher had been transformed into a bent, senile, old wreck. He describes at length his inability to figure out whether or not he was attractive to women and references a passing comment of a friend of his family's at the age of 15, that made him believe he was quite attractive.
During the time period after leaving Harvard, he began to study information about wild edible plants, and began to fear the possibility of being drafted. He spent some time hiking and learning about the wilderness.
Upon completion of his work at Harvard, Mr. Kaczynski chose to go to the University of Michigan because it was the only one of the three graduate schools to which he had applied that provided him with a teaching fellowship. He found the teaching---experience difficult and the quality of the program not to his liking. He became involved in some research and succeeded in publishing several papers concerning mathematical theory and problem solving. He describes his work at Michigan as being viewed as exceptional by the instructors. Nonetheless, he also describes having virtually no social life there.
It was during that period of time that he was staying at a rooming house, managed by a graduate student, [text redacted]. He began to experience difficulty with the noise from the other rooms, particularly the sounds resulting from sexual activity of other renters. He reported the noises he heard in the house to the University System, with the hope that action would be taken against Mr. [text redacted]. He describes three experiences where he perceived he overheard the landlord providing negative information about him which subsequently resulted in a negative outcome. The first involved an Engineering student by the name of [text redacted], who was coming over to get help with math problems. Although Mr. Kaczynski couldn't clearly hear a conversation, he eventually heard a statement by [text redacted] indicating that he had "only come to get help with math. He perceived that Mr. [text redacted] must have said something negative to [text redacted] about him. On the second occasion, he had given an individual information about rooms to rent at the house where he was residing. Again, he heard a voice which he thought belonged to the individual he had spoken with, but he never came up to see him, and the next time he saw him, he was snubbed by him. On the third occasion, he had received a letter from his mother referencing that the daughter of some of their friends was interested in the woods and might like to look him up; they had given her his address. Subsequently, several weeks later he thought he overheard a woman's voice in the foyer area of the house and Mr. [text redacted] say "oh hi [text redacted]" and then he said something negative about him, and the woman left without ever visiting him.
He writes, "During my years at Michigan I occasionally began having dreams of a type that I continued to have occasionally over a period of several years. In the dream I would f eel either that organized society was hounding me with accusation in some way, or that organized society was trying in Some way to capture my mind and tie me down psychologically or both. In the most typical form some psychologist or psychologists (often in association with parents or other minions of the system) would either be trying to convince me that I was "sick" or would be trying to control my mind through psychological techniques. I would be on the dodge, trying to escape or avoid the psychologist either physically or in other ways. But I would grow angrier and finally I would break out in physical violence against the psychologist and his allies. At the moment when I broke out into violence and killed the psychologist or other such figure, I experienced a great feeling of relief and liberation. Unfortunately, however, the people I killed usually would spring back to life again very quickly. They just wouldn't stay dead. I would awake with a pleasurable sense of liberation at having broken into violence, but at the same time with some frustration at the fact that my victims would not stay dead. However, in the course of some dreams, by making a strong effort of will in my sleep, I was able to make my victims stay dead. I think that, as the years went by, the frequency with which I was able to make my victims stay dead through exertion of will increased." In the same period of time he experienced low morale and mood.
In the summer after his fourth year, he describes experiencing a period of several weeks where he was sexually excited nearly all the time and was fantasizing himself as a woman and being unable to obtain any sexual relief. He decided to make an effort to have a sex change operation. When he returned to the University of Michigan he made an appointment to see a psychiatrist to be examined to determine if the sex change would be good for him. He claimed that by putting on an act he could con the psychiatrist into thinking him suitable for a feminine role even though his motive was exclusively erotic. As he was sitting in the waiting room, he turned completely against the idea of the operation and thus, when he saw the doctor, instead claimed he was depressed about the possibility of being drafted. He describes the following: As I walked away from the building afterwards, I felt disgusted about what my uncontrolled sexual cravings had almost led me to do and I felt - humiliated, and I violently hated the psychiatrist. Just then there came a major turning point in my life. Like a Phoenix, I burst from the ashes of my despair to a glorious new hope. I thought I wanted to kill that psychiatrist because the future looked utterly empty to me. I felt I wouldn't care if I died. And so I said to myself why not really kill the psychiatrist and anyone else whom I hate. What is important is not the words that ran through my mind but the way I felt about them. What was entirely new was the fact that I really felt I could kill someone. My very hopelessness had liberated me because I no longer cared about death. I no longer cared about consequences and I said to myself that I really could break out of my rut in life and do things that were daring, irresponsible or criminal. He describes his first thought was to kill someone he hated and then kill himself, but decided he could not relinquish his rights so easily. At that point he decided: I will kill but I will make at least some effort to avoid detection so that I can kill again.,, He decided that he would do what he always wanted to do, to go to Canada to take off in the woods with a rifle and try to live off the country. "If it doesn't work and if I can get back to civilization before I starve then I will come back here and kill someone I hate. 11 In his writings he emphasized what he knew was the fact that he now felt he had the courage to behave irresponsibly.
Mr. Kaczynski describes in his writing and on interview, that these thoughts went through his mind in the time it took to walk about one block. This new understanding persisted from that point on in his life. He developed a plan to complete his degree and to work for two years, so as to save enough money to live in the wilderness. As already noted, this plan was accomplished through teaching for two years in Berkeley and subsequently locating land and building his cabin in Montana. During that time period he writes that he would have to discipline himself to avoid reading newspapers except occasionally because if 'I read papers regularly I would build up too much tense and frustrated anger against Politicians, dictators, businessmen, scientists, communists, and others in the world who were doing things that endangered me or changed the world in ways I resented.?'