The Ultimate Sleep

© February 2003 Paul Cooijmans

VII - Eric Hart

Barely had little Eric entered his penthouse or a man with a machine gun jumped up: "Stick 'm up, dombo!"

The aerobics instructor/nuclear physicist froze as he heard the Arabic accent: "You're going to make us the bomb to end all bombs! We know you can, you're the world's smartest man! An H-bomb is child's play to you. Will you come along peacefully, or do we need a nice bit of torture first?"

"An atomic bomb?? But I have no idea how to do that! I'm a simple aerobics instructor!"

"And nuclear physicist! We know what you are!"

"But only a small amateur! H-bombs are way beyond my humble capacities!"

"Humble! You're the world's smartest man, remember! Don't give me this 'small amateur' talk!"

"The... world's smartest man? Me? Who says? I would never make such a claim."

"Don't lie, we saw your interviews in those magazines and on TV. Not to mention the web."

"O, but all that's not what it seems. A bit of a publicity stunt to get some dough rolling in, you know. Means nothing, really!"

"And what about your 195+ all time top score on the Mega Test then? Huh?"

"Please, don't believe everything you read! I only had 176, honest! But I did a fraudulent retest under a false name later."

"Aha! And then you had the 195+ perfect score?"

"No, no!! Only 190! But I assumed I had over-reasoned that last item, so my true score would be 195+! Completely invalid and meaningless I swear!"

"Hm. And how about those regular psychological tests they had you do? On which you scored 'above range' ?"

"All cock and bull to be honest. The tests used by mainstream psychology don't go much higher than about 130 or 140, so many a megalomaniac would score 'above range' on those... It was all just fried air, you see, I'm not really the smartest man! How could I, with this head circumference! My brain volume must be way below average!"

"So... you're telling me you're... FULL OF SHIT ??"

"Precisely, I couldn't have put it better myself! Glad you understand sir. Really can't help you with your important project. I can direct you to a good flying instructor if you like?"