The Ultimate Sleep
© 1999 Paul Cooijmans
V Mr Fredriks - sloBrain - The White Lodge
"L.U.L. Fredriks speaking, aiming to be a more than nominal successor to Dick Roberts as Epimetheus Society chairman... oh, but publishing test answers without permission or even asking or informing the author and thus violating copyright and using another's creative work to one's own purpose is normal social behavior Dr Cageman, don't worry... no, it doesn't invalidate your Test For Geniality at all, as finding answers on Solarweb presupposes actively looking for them, so those testees are dishonest anyway. Let them decide for themselves if or not to cheat; in the world of grown-ups, lying and cheating are part of the standard behavioral repertoire as I said, no need to patronize... At your service..."
"Yes, I will attend the PsyCom meeting... no, I'll advise against accepting Cageman's TFG, as it is invalidated since several answers are available on Solarweb... no idea who did it, these cybercrooks are hard to trace... burn the rat alive, that's what I say!", the profoundly gifted Mr Fredriks said, as with a mouse click he mailed off his most recently found TFG answers to the RAT & T Incorruptible Dictionary of Test Answers.
"Better for admission is sloBrain, the computer game. I've been using it for a mere six months, and already I kicked it to Epimetheus chairman! That shows it really teaches you to think afterwards! sloBrain, that's my game! Love that funny little guy 'comes on the screen to tell your score, and en passant spews the latest delay tactics. What's his name? Dr Labius? Gabius? Something like that. He really is the sultan of procrastination. Oh boy, this morning he went, 'Your score today is Cunctator -11, my dear L.U.L. A bit speedy, are we? I advise don't reply to your mail for the next twelve years; if people moan, tell 'm your pen ran out of ink and you had no money to refill. Works for me!' By the way, I recommend Cunctator -11 for Epimetheus admission. Well, see you tonight! Wait, I remember... Dr Fabius, his name is! Came to me with some delay. Quite a character. His general motto seems to be like the old English proverb, 'if you want something done quickly, ask someone who is very busy'. See ya!"
(in the White Lodge) "As we see, Cooijmans has taken the unauthorized publication of his TFG answers badly. He doesn't buy the argument of 'finding answers presupposes actively looking for them, so those testees are dishonest anyway'. If the answers weren't in the database, the cheaters could not find them, so there wouldn't be a problem, according to Paul. To still score the tests and admit society members via them would give an unfair advantage to cheaters, with the answers so easily available. Like the ISPE does with the W-87. Admittedly, he's right, but still most test designers would take the cash and not moan over the odd cheater now and then. Not Paul Cooijmans. He's too moral for the world; too moral for the IQ community even. Would you believe, he's so moral he not even takes legal steps against Ullén and Sloane, although with his background as a composer and literary author he knows he could nail them for copyright violation and unauthorized use of another's work. He realizes they didn't have bad intentions, but just weren't thinking. More like Prometheus' duller brother, Epimetheus, they're of the kind who think afterwards. Rather than the gift of fire, their game is theft of integrity."
"But Paul doesn't moan and mends the damage as he can, ceasing admission by the tests in question, withdrawing them if needed to not advantage cheaters and retain the scientific merit of his statistics. He's too moral for his tests; robs himself of dough, and spoils the fun of many honest people who'd 've loved to try them even though they're invalidated. And he forgives the culprits, wishing them happy lives..."
"Followed by slow and painful deaths no doubt, Dr Whence?"
"Oh no, that's not how he is at all. Paul understands even in the IQ community most have lower moral standards than he does, and accepts what he considers immoral is standard social behavior to others. How lonely he must be! But let's see what we have here on his desk; ah, a graph of TFG scores plotted against date taken. He marked the moment of illegal answer publication - look, immediately thereafter we indeed see a significant raise of.. FLAMING HELL?! That's my qualifying score for the Giga Society!! I recognize it as it's the first and only perfect score ever..."
"You cheated, Dr Whence?"
"No!!! I did not cheat, honest! I didn't even know the answers 'd been published!! Found 'm all by myself; I did NOT cheat, I swear. You believe me, don't you? Please, listen, I strictly followed the instructions and legally achieved the first perfect score ever, qualifying me for Giga... oh, do say you believe me..."
"Well, we believe you alright, Dr Whence, but... as you understand, you can't prove you were honest... your score is forever compromised by the unauthorized illegal publication of TFG answers by the intelligent Mr Ullén and the conscientious Dr Sloane of A.T. and..."
"THE FILTHY RATS!!! TEAR OFF THEIR B...."
"Constrain yourself, Dr Whence. Use Paul Cooijmans as a model; look how well he's coping. There, he's returning from his afternoon run. See how peacefully he gently bangs the gate to his backyard off its hinges, quietly mumbling... can you read his lips, Dr Why? What's he mumbling?"
"Well... although his articulation is regrettable, I can make out he says something like, 'the silky hats... they're off their walls'... strange, didn't know he had a fetish for headgear..."