New Amsterdam Times

September 7 2001

Philosophers Improve Gene Pool

Dr P.A. John W. Cageman, founder of Gigalo Society and creator of the Test To End All Tests, has gone to the International Supreme court for Purity and Ethics with a complaint about the Philosophical Society. The actual text of his statement:

"When I tried to join the Philosophical Society I was asked to take the M-78, for entrance. This test was unsupervised, did not allow use of dictionaries and consisted of obscure, unknown words like FALSITAS, OSTRACIZES and SINCERITY. I failed for I didn't know most of the words, but later found many members of the Ph. Society had achieved membership by fraud; using reference aids for the M-78 despite this being forbidden. In fact, they hardly believed I hadn't, since "there was no one to check up on you, was there?" They themselves had not even considered folowing the rules as the test seemed much too hard for that. I saw the M-78 was selecting, in effect, for dishonesty and fraud, and discriminating honest individuals. I therefore ask the Philosophical Society to act in one of three ways:

  1. Allow all who failed M-78 a retest with reference aids;
  2. Expel all who qualified on the M-78;
  3. Change name to "Cheaters' Society".

I demand this be done before February 1st, 2002. I trust the Supreme court will support my demands with appropriate punishment in the event of default."

Naturally, Philosophical Society was allowed a defense:

"It is true our test selects for dishonesty - what else? Main goal of the Society is creating a sound gene pool; people capable of looking after themselves and others, inventing and enriching culture, creating jobs and being independent and self-supporting. And let's face it: ever caught a lawyer being honest? Ever seen a top businessman turn a deal down for moral reasons? Exactly our point. Those on the so-called "good" side of the moral spectrum pride themselves on their clean hands, but really it's us ugly motherfuckers 'keep the world going. Honesty looks good in fairy-tales but in real life leads to poverty and unemployment. Allow a retest with reference aids? No, wouldn't be a good fraud test any more. Expel M-78 qualifiers? But they're the ones we need! Change name to Cheater's Society? Too direct; at times it's better to hide your true nature. If Dr Cageman chooses to behave honestly and morally he himself will have to suffer the consequences of his follies and not bother us."

Having heard Dr Cageman's and the Ph. Society's statements, the Supreme court formed a verdict, subsequently announced by the court's President, Prof. Em. Dr COUNT EARL J. Christ Haring, Ph.D., Sc.D., LL.D., D.H.L., Liltt.D., direct descendent of Alexander the Great, member of all known societies, associations and committees, Stanford-Binet IQ 9710 at birth, IQ 791 on the Milk-Bottle test at 6 months (be it by his own norming), proved all Euclid's Axioms, that had stood for 2200 years, at 12 months, and when his Kindergarten teacher asked him to draw a circle he squared it in the process:

"Impartial as this court is, it urges Dr Cageman to end his ignorant attack on the Philosophical Society and accept he simply is not up to their standards. The Ph. Soc. houses gentlemen and high achievers doing much for the community and knowing what is needed to play a part in the greater world. Clearly, honesty is no prerequisite. Clearly, the M-78 does a fine job selecting those fit to survive. Look at any compilation of M-78 scores correlated to scores on tests by lesser gods like Dr Fabius, Dr Hölin and Dr Cageman; it'll be crystal-clear M-78 stands out for its directly seen unique level of sieving power. Expel all M-78 qualifiers? That would bring membership down to a size found in miserable groups like the Ninefold Three, Oats and Neuron Societies. In short, the International Supreme court for Purity and Ethics will not support Dr Cageman's demands from the Philosophical Society as they are unjustified, ignorant and self-serving. By the way for the record my Biography has been published in MEN OF EMINENCE IN THE ANTARCTIC AND SOUTHEAST UTOPIA; GENIUSES OF DISTINCTION (GOD); WHO'S WHO IN WHO'S WHO BOOKS AND OTHER BIOGRAPHICAL REFERENCE WORKS (also containing Biographies of Dr Who and Roger Daltrey); THE FIRST FIVE HUNDRED (containing Biographies of those with the world's longest Biographies); DIRECTORY OF LEADERSHIP AND ACHIEVEMENT IN THE INTELLECTUAL'S HUNT FOR TITLES, AWARDS AND LISTINGS IN DIRECTORIES; ...(six hours later)... and additionally I am also an entrant in the Call for Fame, have twenty-six titled aristocratic lines in my immediate family tree and we are related through marriage to God the Almighty."

Preliminary hearing of Philosophical Society dissident by the International Supreme court for Purity and Ethics.

Preliminary hearing of Philosophical Society dissident by the International Supreme court for Purity and Ethics.