New Amsterdam Times

August 9 2001

The Strange Case of Dr Fabius and Mr Lang

K. Lang, superintelligent creator of Polymac Systems computer Maximum Orange, has been taken into custody. He had neglected to pay the billion dollar compensation he'd been sued for by a number of Polymac's clients. When your reporter researched this intriguing case, he discovered facts leaving him in a state of sheer horror. Apparently the brilliant hardware designer, in the late seventies of the twentieth century, conducted a bizarre experiment on himself. Having bought one of the earliest IBM clones, he connected the primitive personal computer directly to his temporal cortex, so as to improve his IQ. As he turned the machine on though, toxic fumes billowed out of poor Mr Lang's ears, and he fell off his chair and had to crawl out of the laboratory on his hands and knees.

Ever since that day, he suffers from a strange and unusual type of instability. Each time the Polymac employee empties his P.O. Box and sets himself to work, the genial and sensitive Mr Lang horribly transforms into the mean and ugly Dr Fabius, who has an exceptional talent for cunctation. Over the years, Fabius caused such a backlog that a number of Polymac clients sued him for a billion - and won. "I'm Mr Lang! I'm Mr Lang! Why am I being arrested? I have done nothing wrong! I'm not Dr Fabius! I'm Mr Lang! I'm Mr Lang!", Mr Lang uttered in an ever higher voice as the handcuffs clicked around his wrists and he was taken away.

Maximum Orange, the computer who holds the world record IQ, is now more confused than ever; was he created by the brilliant Mr Lang or the horrible Dr Fabius? And his mind got even more messed up when the Medical Board of Tinseltown reprimanded him for providing misleading information in the life-creating case against Lang; the Board had found Lang's activities were legal after all, and reversed its earlier ruling. Lang was now free to continue his work, so as to enable Dr Fabius to satisfy the billion dollar claim. In fact, Lang was released from custody when the D.A. learned the relevant facts, and Dr Fabius was placed under supervision of the Brain Police in case he would freak out again. "But I trust I'll never have to prosecute the good Doctor again", the D.A. said when he showed Mr Lang the door.

Maximum, for punishment, has been told to make himself available for scientific research on intelligence, artificial or other. To begin with, he'll have to take all of Dr. P. A. John W. Cageman's tests. We wish him strength in this titanic task.