PA WIRELESS NEWSERVICE
V. XIQ GALA OPENING: FINAL JUSTICE





MINOSMART: Marbles. I also like to eat marbles. Virgins, youths, and marbles do I eat. I do not like to eat old farts in Kevlar. I am very hungry. Who is this ugly man, shaking in his plastic suit, with yellow-brown slime dripping out? (PA Wireless notes that the cowardly Epicurus had indeed shit his Kevlar) I usually get to eat Virgin Maidens, youths, and marbles. But I am very hungry. (SNORT, BELLOW, SNORT) I will eat this smelly man after I ask him some questions:

MINOSMART: Smelly man!!!!

EPICURUS: Y..Y..Y…YES….MR….. MINOTAUR?

MINOSMART: I AM NOT MINOTAUR!!! I AM MINOSMART!!! I SEE ALREADY THAT YOU ARE GOING TO FAIL MY TEST. You do not even know my name. I should eat you now and not bother even to test you.

We turn our attention back to Zeno. While Epicurus was busy shitting himself, Zeno (Cageman) had been using his extremely high intelligence to devise means to disable the I-GATORS. Wresting the thrashing, ravenous I-CRITTERS had revealed, literally, their Achilles Heel. For easy up-loading and down-loading of data/instructions to the main internal flash-memory I-CHIP, the manufacturer had designed an open-external-main-port located on the left front heel of the I-GATOR. The incredibly brilliant Zeno felt the odd recess and knew instantly that this was the key to defeating an I-GATOR.

Even though Zeno (Cageman) had never seen even one single episode of TV’s McGiver, with his enormous intellect, highly developed sense Creative Association, knowledge of electronics, and a little luck he saw immediately what to do……

EPICURUS: No, Mr. MINOSMART!!! Please test me, I can pass it. You don’t have to eat me. If you are hungry, you can eat that other guy (pointing in the direction of the splashing ZENO/I-GATOR fracas).

MINOTAUR: Very well. You look very stupid to me, but I am very hungry. Did I mention that usually I eat marbles, maidens, and youths? You look fatty in places, and tough and stringy and old in others. Also, you smell very bad. (SNORT, BELLOW, SNORT). Let us make and end, I will ask you these questions three. If you are able to answer any one of them correctly, I will not eat you. If you fail, I will eat you even though you are not a marble, a maiden, or a youth. Are you ready, smelly man?

First: OBJECT OF THE CAMERA : EVA HERZIGOVA :: ESSENTIAL METHOD BY WHICH OBJECT OF LIFE IS ACHIEVED : WHAT?




EPICURUS: Oh, that’s easy you dumb-ass MINOSMART!! It’s WITHDRAWAL!!! As pleasure, or lack of bad sensation in mind and body is the OBJECTIVE—we know that WITHDRAWAL FROM THE WORLD’S INFERNAL GRIP IS ESSENTIAL!!!!

MINOSMART: THAT IS INCORRECT, SMELLY MAN. IT IS LOOKING LIKE I WILL HAVE TO EAT YOU YET.

EPICURUS: But, but, I’m EPICURUS!!! THAT’S HOW I’M SUPPOSED TO ANSWER!!!!

MINOSMART: I do not give a shit who you think you are. You are wrong. DUTY AND SERVICE to your community and fellow man, of which you are an integral part and therefore, with such relationship to those communities and social structures, you owe SERVICE AND DUTY, NOT WITHDRAWAL!!!! BUT, YOU ARE A SELFISH PIG, AS I COULD SEE IMMEDIATELY UPON RELEASE FROM MY CAGE!!!

Second Question: VIPER REVOLUTON PESO II RANDOM CUBES …WHAT IS COMMON FEATURE SMELLY MAN?

(theme music from the TV Show Jeopardy plays, LA, LA, LAA, LA, LA, LA, LAA…until the music does its “wrap-up” figure with the question unanswered by Epicurus, who apparently has peed himself now in addition to the other nasty business)

MINOSMART: TIME IS UP STUPID SMELLY MAN. THE ANSWER IS “ROLLING SNAKE-EYES IN A MEXICAN DICE GAME”. YOU CRAPPED-OUT ON THAT ONE. HA, HA, (BELLOW, SNORT, BELLOW) MINOSMART MAKES A FUNNY, HA, HA.

……meanwhile, Zeno (McGiver/Cageman) has been executing his brilliant, super-genius plan to nuke the I-GATORS. Fortuitously, Zeno had forgotten to remove his electronic sphygmomanometer before the match. Disassembling it with his teeth and with the help of one hand whenever one could be freed up (remember, he is wrasslin’ several I-GATORS all at once), he crafts a make-shift electro-pulse sender from the parts, rips the wiring from an adjacent marine “thrill-cam”, “glues” pulse-sender and wire together with an old piece of Bazooka Bubble Gum saved up from 15 years ago now nicely moistened by the channel water, shoves the wire and pulse sender into the bus of the nearest I-GATOR (not hard to find), and bands it fast to the I-GATOR’s Achilles. Of course, the I-GATOR’s signals are all fouled up and it begins to over-heat. The other heat-seeking I-GATORS, naturally, go after the HOT GATOR, allowing Zeno enough “rope” to climb out of the channel and back on to the Elysium Field.

Third Question: COMPLETE THIS SERIES: 8,6,7,5,3,0,?

EPICURUS: THREE ??

MINOSMART: NOT!!! NOW I’M GOING TO EAT YOU. LUCKY FOR ME, I HAVE ZANTAC TO HELP WITH THE STOMACH UPSET YOU WILL NO DOUBT BE CAUSING ME LATER.

EPICURUS: CAN I HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE?

MINOSMART: OKAY. SHOOT.

EPICURUS: TWO???

MINOSMART: NOPE.

Epicurus is crying now. Crying is such a nondescript word. We’ll try to punch it up. Epicurus is sobbing, sobbing in waves of anguish!!!

EPICURUS: AAAAHHHH, (SNURKLE, CHOKE) PLEEEEEZZZE MR. MINOSMART, DON’T EAT ME, JUST GIVE ME ONE MORE CHANCE?!?!

MINOSMART: OKAY, BUT THIS IS THE LAST.

EPICURUS: MINUS 2 ?

MINOSMART: NOPE. REALLY, NOW, I’VE GOT TO EAT YOU…THE ANSWER IS NINE. IT’S FROM THE SONG “JENNY, JENNY….” YOU KNOW THE ONE WHERE THE GUY SINGS “JENNY I GOT YOUR NUMBER, 867-5309”. SO IT IS NINE, GOT IT???

EPICURUS: AARRRRGGGHHHH???!!!!! (LOT’S OF BAWLING, WAILING….BEGGING).

Now, fortunately for Epicurus, Zeno has made it all the way back to the Alter. The Minosmart is just about to make a meal of Epicurus, when we hear the buzzer sound yet again. Wonder of wonders, Zeno has depressed the RED BUTTON.

ZENO: IGNEOUS, ETHEREAL, MOTILE, AND QUIESCENT.

MINOSMART: HEY, WHO DID THAT?

ZENO: IT ‘TWAS I, ZENO…THE ZEENMAN, THE ZEENSTER, THE ZEENMIESTER, THE ZEENABULOUS, ZEEN-OP-O-LIS…THE..

EPICURUS: AWW SHADDUP, CAGEMAN.

(victory music starts playing….”Iron Man” interspersed with the theme from “Star Wars”)

REFEREE: THIRTY MINUTES ARE NOW OVER. DEUS EX-MACHINA!!!!!

Descending on a cable from an opening in the Al-Batanni Sky we see what appears to be a GIGANTIC WOODEN CLOWN-HAMMER. The MINOSMART snatches the cable, removes the Clown-Hammer, and deals Epicurus a round-house blast to the forehead.

REFEREE: EPICURUS IS……..UNABLE TO CONTINUE. THE WINNER IS ZZZZEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!.

By now the crowd has recovered: aaaaarrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!

JOEL: Well, that appears to be it, sports fans!!!!! Hairy, you okay boy?? Wanna say anything before we go to commercial?

HAIRY: Not really, I just should have listened to my mother—she wanted me to be a Cowboy.

END OF EVENT COVERAGE………….

PA WIRELESS NOTE:

Obviously, we leave with the surface of possibility (inherent in the WWF/XIQ formula) more, rather than less virginal-- largely unexplored. The author sincerely hopes future contributors (to this magazine) may wish to utilize the “forum”. Seems like a great place to do some battles, abuse some guys, good stuff like that….very best, the PA WIRELESS. Go for it!!!