PA WIRELESS NEWSERVICE
III. XIQ GALA OPENING: THE EVENT
June 1, 2002: PA WIRELESS NEWSERVICE is pleased to report that it has sacked its Copy Desk, the News Editor, the Managing Editor, and its Microsoft Spellchecker, for misspelling the word “brouhaha”. PA WIRELESS acknowledges that “bruhaha” was allowed to slip through its corrective apparatus, and make its way into print. Normally, we’re not bugged by this sort of thing. “Bruhaha” provoked the axe, because it is an infrequently used
word. So, we FIRED THE HELL OUT OF the lazy, careless bastards. Again, we have sacked those responsible, and those responsible for those responsible. Should any more egregious errors transpire, we’ll just keep firing those responsible until we have arrived with a workforce which knows basic English and has the gumption to pick up a dictionary when in doubt. It may take some time, but we’ve been around for a long time. To wit, PA WIRELESS apologizes, in advance, for any and all forthcoming faux pas. We will not, however, notify our Readership of the resultant sackings—as we consider this paragraph a blanket MEA CULPA.
When we last left the BIG MATCH, the combatants Epicurus and
Zeno had just completed round one of the obligatory “taunting”. Taunting is very, extremely important in these spectaculars. Taunting includes, but is not limited to denigrating comments about the opponent’s mental and physical potential, religion, ethnic heritage, sexual preference, eating habits, hobbies, spouse or significant other, immediate family, remote family, match attire, off-hours attire, spiritual condition, body odor, mannerisms…and so forth and so on . Taunting ranges the gamut from mildly aggravated goading to full-blown,
thundering anathema. Taunting may be cynical and sarcastic. It may be just plain mean. It may be funny, and off-hand—there’s all kinds of taunting. But, in the final analysis, a big match-up with no taunting may as well NOT be held—it’s THAT essential.
Our Readership, most probably, is wondering why we spend so
much time on the obvious. Yes? Well, we invite you to think about it anyway. TAUNTING!!!!—PERHAPS THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT FEATURE OF ANY COMBATIVE SPORTS SPECTACULAR!!!!!
We turn our attention now back to the MAIN EVENT:
HAIRY: Joel, you’re the “color” man here…just
who are the men behind the get-ups??
JOEL: Glad you asked that, Hairy!! ZENO is one John Cageman,
founder of the Neuron High-IQ Society and Gigalo Society. He has identified himself as a Super-genius, or Universal Genius!!! According to Cageman himself, he has an IQ of 196 at the very least!!!
HAIRY: Let me get this straight. He figured this out all by
himself?
JOEL: Right. Nobody can argue with him about it, because they’re simply not qualified to debate that matter.
HAIRY: Well, I suppose that makes sense—when you put it
THAT way. Go on…
JOEL: Additionally, Cageman dabbles in MUSICAL COMPOSITION,
WRITING, PSYCHO-MEASURING, PHILOSOPHY, ATHLETICS, MUSIC PERFORMANCE (GUITAR), AND HOLDS HIS BREATH FOR TEN MINUTES OR SO. BEST OF ALL, HE HAS AN ABSOLUTE SENSE OF JUSTICE!!!!
HAIRY: What the hell is an ABSOLUTE SENSE OF JUSTICE???
JOEL: Beats the heck out of me, Hairy. Your guess is as good
as mine. I’d say it means that he is usually able to tell when everybody else is full of shit and he’s not.
HAIRY: Yeah, I guess….but he was taunting Epicurus….
JOEL: Well, that’s right Hairy. But, you see, it seems
that Epicurus is one Dr. Fabius—and it says here that everybody’n’their dog agrees that Fabius is a creep, a chump, an ego-maniac with an inferiority complex, dominating and vindictive, and worst of all that he wants so bad for other people to think he’s smart that he belongs to this High IQ Society that he WOULDN’T EVEN QUALIFY FOR IF HE HAD TO TAKE THE EXAMS LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE!!!
HAIRY: WOW!!! He sounds a lot like my brother-in-law!!! Does
he have ANY talents?
JOEL: It says that he has a real talent for annoying people,
Hairy. Oh, and he does try to write some poetry—but it stinks.
HAIRY: Well, how high is this Fabius’ IQ???
JOEL: Nobody knows, but most folks don’t regard him as
being any too awfully bright.
HAIRY: This doesn’t sound like it’s going to much
of a match. Pure, Universal-Genius-Athlete against the Chump??!!
JOEL: NOT TRUE, BOURBON BREATH. FABIUS CHEATS. He has cheated
his way in and out of every imaginable situation. No, Hairy, we’re going to have some ACTION here in this match-up!!!!
REFEREE: Gentlemen, you both know the rules—essentially,
there are no rules--except that you depress the RED BUTTON when you are ready to give an answer. You are to do COMBAT until one of you is UNABLE TO CONTINUE!!!!! Answers to the questions have been thoroughly researched in advance, however, unusual answers with a possibility of accuracy will be considered by our PANEL OF HIGH IQ JUDGES.
(bell rings…clang, clang, clang….Zeno cautiously
circles Epicurus in a crouched wrestling posture—swinging his net…Epicurus keeps out of the way but with mace cocked-back for a quick blow)
REFEREE: FIRST QUESTION:
I. SOUL : THIN ATOMS :: THIN ATOMS : ?, ?, ?, AND ?
TO BE CONTINUED…………