PA WIRELESS NEWSERVICE
II. XIQ GALA OPENING: THE EVENT
June 1, 2002: We’re back live with our legendary sports color-man Joel Gargoyliola and Hari (Hairy) Kari, and the Main Event is about to start. PA WIRELESS NEWSERVICE, always ready to admit a mistake (unlike other rags like the Tinseltown Gazette) concedes now that the Cognoseum is perhaps not the biggest all-weather stadium in the world. But, it’s still very, very big……
HAIRY: WOW!!! The fans are whipped-up into a FRENZY tonight,
Joel. The house is jam-packed, the charge is electric, and the air is so thick in anticipation of the Main Contest that I think you’d need a chain-saw to cut it!! By the way, just what is the attendance tonight, Joel?
JOEL: There are a lot a people here Hairy.
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Right…and I think I see our Combatants coming out now.
Who’s our Referee for tonight’s bout, Joel?
Says here, it’s Harold Yamicuchi from Tinseltown. Harold
enjoys web-surfing, exercising, computers, and spends quite a lot of time at place called the Golden G-Chord. G-Chord? That strums something up eh Hairy? Didn’t we go there once after the Dodgers game and….? Oh…. Yeah, the Golden Chord, nice place. But anyway the card says he’s real experienced and he’s real impartial—heck he must be if he hangs out at the G-Chord!!!
Shaddup, Joel. Hey!!! The THEME music is starting.
(music starts playing, a very exceptionally, sonic-boom-loud
synthesized rendition of “Iron Man”…daa, daa, da, da, daa…da,da,da,da,daa,da,daa,da,daa)
HAIRY: This is what it’s ALL ABOUT, sports freaks!! This
is the opener for the XIQ, it’s going to be the down and dirtiest, most gruesome, most foul, most awful mangling of mind and body, and most thoroughly wonderful contest of cerebral and physical abuse ever to be presented before this totally whacked-up crowd of Truthshouters!!!!
JOEL: Tonight’s main event will be the ultimate test of
mental alacrity (what’s that mean, Hairy?) and endurance. But, it doesn’t stop there!! IT ONLY STOPS WHEN ONE OF THE COMBATANTS IS….UNABLE TO CONTINUE!!!!
(roaring of crowd…. hhhhaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhaa)
HAIRY: TONIGHT AND TONIGHT ONLY, FOR YOUR SADISTIC PLEASURING
WE HAVE: EPP-EEE-CURE--USSS against ZZEEEEENNNNOOO--IN THE BACK-ALLEY-DOOR BRUHAHA OF ALL TIMES, THE MOTHER OF ALL MAYHEMS…..
JOEL: Who’s fighting, Hairy?
HAIRY: Epicurus against Zeno, Joel.
REREREE HAROLD: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!! WEIGHING IN AT 70 KG, AT A HEIGHT OF 1.78 M, UPPER BODY 93 CM, LOWER BODY 85 CM, WITH A MAXIMUM PULSE RATE OF 210 (WE’LL SEE ABOUT THAT), WEARING THE BLUE TUNIC AND ARMED ONLY WITH A NET AND TRIDENT, IN THIS CORNER WE HAVE THE RETIARIUS, THE NET MAN……ZZZEEEENNNOOO!!!
(roaring of crowd…. hhhhaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhaa)
…..AND IN THIS CORNER, LOOKING KINDA CHUBBY, IN THE FULL
KEVLAR BODY SUIT, ARMED WITH A CATTLE-PROD, A WHIP, A SABRE, AND A IRON-STUDDED MACE….THE ONE, THE ONLY…. EPP-EEE-CURE--USSS!!!!!!
(roaring of crowd…. hhhhaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhaa)
HAIRY: Joel, I’m told that not only do these fellows come
from opposite ends of the philosophical field of action, but that there’s some personal hatred going on here!!! Seems as though Zeno once paid Epicurus $12 in advance for some services he never received. That’s made for some real bad blood over the years, and makes this one helluva GRUDGE match!!!!
EPICURUS: THERE’S A LOT MORE AT STAKE HERE THAN YOUR STINKIN’ TWELVE BUCKS, YOU PANSY EXCUSE FOR A WARRIOR. SEEMS LIKE YOU’RE PRETTY STUPID TOO. ONLY POLOCKS AND IRISHMEN COME IN TO A FULL COMBAT ZONE WEARING A DIAPER, DRAGGING A PANSY HAIR NET AND WAIVING AN OVER-SIZED DINNER FORK AROUND!! SPEAKING OF EATIN’. I’M GOING TO EAT YOU ALIVE, YOU WUSS!!
(roaring of crowd…. hhhhaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhaa)
ZENO: SEEK THE TRUTH, EPICURUS, AND YE SHALL DETERMINE THAT THEE IS IN FACT THE NIDDERING, THE EGO-CRAZED LOOTER OF OTHER’S HARD EARNED CASH AND TEST SCORES ENTRUSTED TO YOUR CARE!!! YOU SHALL FEEL THE PRICKLY TIP OF MY TRIDENT PIERCING YOUR CHERUBIC BUTTOCKS, BLUSHED RED AFTER I’VE PADDLED THEM WITH MY OPEN HAND—SO LITTLE AM I IN NEED OF MANUFACTURED WEAPONS TO AID ME IN MY LABOR OF DESTRUCTION AND REDUCTION OF THEE TO A BOWL OF BLUBBERING BABY FAT!!!!! HA-ZAAH!!
(roaring of crowd…. hhhhaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhaa)
TO BE CONTINUED……..