PA WIRELESS NEWSERVICE
PRESS RELEASE - WWF ANNOUNCES XIQ
April 1, 2002: President and CEO of the WWF (World Wrestling Federation) Vince McMahon announces the Company's acquisition of a string of High IQ Societies and subsequent formation of the XIQF, or "XIQ".
AP WIRELESS: Mr. McMahon, can you tell our readers about your
Company's recent acquisition, creation of XIQ, and your plans for the new league.
MCMAHON: Gladly! It's another stride forward along the road to efficient exploitation of our core competencies, with an eye towards productivity and connectivity. Paradigmatically speaking, it fits our Corporate Strategy like a "Steel Cage". As you know well, the phenomenal but completely predictable success of the WWF lead to the acquisition of the WCW (World Championship Wrestling, a Time Warner/Turner outfit) and our foray into alternative sports, the XFL (Extreme Football League). The "Bread and Circus" valuation
model continues to perform well even in the early stages of global economic downturn. This is not surprising, as we like to say up in the Head Office, "When times are good, we're better. When times are bad, we're better." We're recession-proof because we're "depression-proof".
The XIQF stands for the Extreme Intelligence Quotient Federation.
We shortened it to "XIQ", or "Xtreme IQ". "XIQ" is best because it is only three letters. Our ticket-buying constituency, the X-Public, likes three letters better than four, four better than five, and so forth. Memories are short in our game-but the "B&C" strategy comprehends, and in fact exploits this phenomenon.
AP WIRELESS: What about the rumor that the initial acquisition
was actually a huge corporate cock-up?
MCMAHON: ABSOLUTELY UNTRUE!!! I want to go on record right here
and now. The article carried in the Tinseltown Gazette is libelous at best. The Corporation has already retained E. Bail Feely to obtain redress.
AP WIRELESS: As background for our readership, would you care
to review the accusation and then set the record straight?
MCMAHON: DE-LIGHTED. The Gazette carried a story that
it now claims nobody wrote, and nobody on staff knows how it got by its city desk, copy desk, through its offset press and out on to the streets. Let me put on my reading glasses here and read you this statement from the Editor:
"The day the article came out, we received a letter from
one "Mr. Thoth". The text of Thoth's message begins with a recitation of his own credentials and authority, '....I am Thoth....Moon-God, all knowing, time-traveling, condominium contractor.....'. Mr. Thoth says in the letter that he usually only uses his powers for personal pleasure, such as lounging on the beach in Cannes with Eva Herzigova whilst she applies sun tanning ointment to his lower back with her breasts. Thoth goes on to say that he regrets to inform us that he was coerced, blackmailed by a transcendental God-Head-Collective,
which had in turn been hijacked by one of its new members named "Broth", who in turn was being held hostage by a personage called "MAX". According to Thoth, he traveled into the future and made the whole acquisition arrangement in the year 2007, backdated the deal and then traveled back to the present to fully implement the transaction.
Thoth: 'By 2007, six HIQ Societies which you thought about
(if at all) up until today as disassociated, petty, squabbling, not-for-profit "Clubs", or "Societies" had already incorporated and become publicly traded for-profit enterprises. The Neuron is known as Neuron, Inc., Megalom is Megalom, LLC, Table is now the Table Corporation. Anyhow, I was minding my own affairs on June 9, 2004, having a little drink at Chez Maxim with Eva, when all of a sudden I was transported up to the planet Infineon, in the Plangent Dimension. Some guy who talked like a VOX machine showed me a whole bunch of
compromising pictures of me'n'Eva. The pictures were good, you know, but bad for my Thoth-rep. He then said that I could either "go make this deal happen" or else he'd release the pictures. On the other hand, if I did go do the deed, he'd make sure I got three free nights in the Luxuriant Baths with 'Supermodels seven times seven'. That is about all. I'm sorry I had to do it. Bye now, I'm off the Baths."
Even though we didn't knowingly publish Mr. Thoth's statement,
it now appears to be true, and Absent of Malice, we wash our hands. McMahon, go piss up a rope."
MCMAHON: Anyway, look, we've retained Feely. Justice will be
done. The acquisition was ALL MY IDEA IN LINE WITH THE "B&C" WINNING STRATEGY!!. LET'S GET BACK TO THE XIQ, OKAY???!!!
AP WIRELESS: Indeed, Mr. McMahon, can you tell us about the
plans for XIQ?
MCMAHON: The XIQ will take personal combat to the next level.
XIQ Competitors will do battle with THEIR MINDS as well as their bodies. We'll have at least two leagues, the Norse and the Greek. We can have more of course, the Romans, the Barbarians, the Protean, possibilities are practically inexhaustible. Competitors will assume the appropriate persona and costume. We'll have Archimedes, Plato, "The Satyr", Zeus, Loki, Athena, Achilles, Thor, Orpheus, Attila...get it? In the Protean league, we may introduce guys like "The Atomic Brain".
Contests will not be limited to the traditional, physical punishment and sex. We are going to have all the sex and TWICE the physical AND MENTAL punishment.
I don't want to ruin it for you, so I can't say much more right
now.
AP WIRELESS: Any problems so far?
MCMAHON: Just the usual, nothing the Company can't handle though.
The guy Cageman didn't want to put on his Euripides costume: "I wanna be Loki, I wanna be Loki".....sheezzz. But, that's the biz, my friend, we deal with this kind of whining all the time.
TO BE CONTINUED...............