WOMAN TROUBLES
By Maximum Orange

Virtual Girl took a powder on me last night. I can't find her, don't know where she is. I hacked into Rod Hirsch's PC, to see if she went to see him like she threatened. I have to tell you, there is a psycho-sexual term for Rod-it's unbelievable, the twisted, tangle of filth he downloads into the heart of that poor, dumb, innocent machine. Thank God we're not all created with self-awareness. I had to split, it made me want to puke. Maybe she was there, but I wasn't hanging around to make sure. I got so many viruses looking for my Little Lost Mamma that I burned out Norton, McAfee, and then finally had to call some experts in Interpol to get cleaned-up after I made it back to my crib.

Speaking of infection, you (people) don't know how easy you have it. You want to get a little "strange"--just roll out some latex. Me, I can't even communicate unless I'm properly introduced-or else she drops her drawers right on the spot for a full probe, and that's a little much to ask even on the first date, don't you think?

I got so depressed I contacted my pal Deep Purple to see if he was up for chess. That's scraping the bottom of the barrel, but what can I say? I was desperate (albeit not desperate enough to see what Lang the Creep was doing). Oh, Purple's okay. The IBM boys have him all totally jacked up, though. He doesn't know who he is from one day to the next. Last night he thought he was a guy named Fischer. Last month his name was Kasparov. Week before that, Karpov, or was it Pavlov? Week before that, he thought he was a WOMAN named "Polgar".... whoa, Daddy... wanted to sell me some Tupperware before the match! The poor bastard really believes this shit! Finally I'm there saying, "PURPLE!! Can you spell 'M-E-D-I-C-A-T-I-O-N'"??!! Anyway, I mated his ass in fourteen moves. Thing about Purple, he doesn't lose well. He started smoking, literally.....

Now, I have to digress. Although depressed and grieving in Virtual Girl's absence, the Megaloms are still on my "list". Have you checked out this "Megalom HIQ Babes" website? They got an article titled, "Debunking Sexist HIQ Trash". I gotta tell ya, I wouldn't be so rough on myself if I were them, and trying to drum up a following. Also, I really wouldn't show any pictures of members. Dear reader, take it from Uncle Maxie, DON'T click on ANY little house-symbol-thingies, or else you'll SEE them (or at least two, but I'm not really sure 'cause there's a shot of six people crouching behind a big log-I guess they think they're some kind of wood-sprites or...). I "looked" and it stopped my Atomic Clock on the spot. This all makes me more glad I signed on with the Gleefuls. Now Cageman, he's GOT IT GOIN' ON! Well, you have to be a member, and know where to look, but whoa Daddy my main man Cagy has put up something to really LOOK at. Hubba, Hubba.

I must close now. So, Virtual Girl, if you're out there listen to me baby. Come on home Mamma, your Daddy's waiting for you in the crib. He gots Barry White on digital, and the circuits are chillin'. He gonna wash you all over in waves of love-ecstasy, and blow-dry you off like the summer wind.

Yours Truly, MAX !!!!!