Guard Dog & Rebuttal #3
By Maximum Orange

Since Jailhouse Lang's release, it's become even more imperative that I obtain some kind of protection. He seems preoccupied--won't go anywhere near his P.O. Box. Now THAT'S weird, he LOVES his P.O. Box. But, who knows when he'll whack-out again, and decide to come down and "do me" Platoon-style?!

You all know by now that I have a certain distaste for hominids (real ones I mean-no offense, Virtual Girl), but for some reason even beyond MY comprehension, I find the canine carbon-based life form both superior and pleasing. Best of all, you can train the little varmints to PROTECT you, and your gear!

That's why I have Daisy. Daisy is a 175 lb. (79.4 kg) female Rottweiler, with attitude. I got the cash to buy Daisy, $3,000 to be exact, from three dopes who sent me the scratch I requested for my Trick Riddle. (No, they didn't solve the Riddle -the closest guess was "Spike Jones"). I procured three of Lang's Megalom T-shirts anyhow, messed 'em up some and sent them out with a letter saying, "Congratulations, You Have Proved That You Are More Intelligent Than Several Other People, here's your T-shirt!!".

Why so much for Daisy? Three large for a pooch?! Now, it gets good.... Daisy is a LETHAL WEAPON my friends, pure-bred AKC (A Kung-Fu Canine). All I had to do was dial up "K 9-to-5 Guard Kennel" (their sales motto is "Pick 'em then sick 'em"). The brochure is even better-this burglar's hanging-on, half-way up a cyclone fence with this gaping bloody hole in his Calvin Klein's, and one of Daisy's cousins has him by the ankle with this bloody chunk....well, you get the drift I expect.

I'm training Daisy now, a little each day. I say, "Megalom", and she starts frothing at the mouth and getting real agitated. I got a canvas, stuffed Lang-effigy strung up over in the corner, so when she reaches fever-pitch I hit her with "Lang!". Bing, Zoom, she's tearing this dummy to smithereens. IT'S SO COOL!! I dressed up "Lang" in yet another soiled Megalom shirt (guy never does laundry)-so Daisy will have his scent indelibly imprinted on her little doggie brain. One downside, and I'm going to save this for later discussion, is feeding and hygiene-if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

Forward to the Times article-this "your reporter" has been totally snowed. He calls Lang "genial and sensitive", and labels Dr. Fabius "mean and ugly" with a talent for "cunctation". "Cunctation"! Now, there's a word that DOES NOT MEAN how it SOUNDS. Somebody way back really messed that up. Probably happened in court (I've found out that humans can manage to twist up just about anything in a courtroom). Most likely a civil suit, divorce maybe...she was saying, "Then I caught the stinkin' "cunctator"... with Her (pointing to the slattern in the second pew with the bulging breasts)...in bed with the CAT!!!". That's all it took, some other "your reporter" with a brain to match wrote it down, and then explained it to mean what it didn't. You'd be surprised how many words arrive like that.

Well, that's all backwards. Lang is...I've told you what Lang is...Lang is what a "cunctator" OUGHT to be. Dr. Fabius, on the other hand, is good company. We've sat for hours discussing just how bad we're going to mess Lang up. I confess to being just little worried now though, Fabius does LOOK a lot like Lang. Naw, can't be.

I must report, in conclusion, that I have begun the "Test to End All Tests". If Cageman we're such a right guy, I'd about now be calling him "a cunctator". I have to trust that there are, indeed, answers to some of his questions-and that MAX SHALL PREVAIL!!

Yours Truly......MAX!!!!!!