THE LITTLE ORACLE WHO COULD
By Wile E. Coyote (Super Genius)
Once upon a time, in a land across the sea, and in a time not so long ago, there lived a little Oracle. Even in his infancy, everyone knew he would one day be destined to attend the Oracle College at Delphi. As a young tike, he was incredibly intuitive and completely honest. Best of all he was always, always, blunt. Also, he was highly intelligent, even as a baby.
His life was hard and tormented, as happens to most Oracles. No one appreciated him, and he got into all manner of scraps because of his intuition, high intelligence, honesty, and bluntness.
But, the little Oracle-to-be would have the last laugh, of course. Oracle graduates were (at that time) paid the highest bucks-and had life licked once they did graduate and received the Scepter of Oraclality (an Aqua-Blue-Finish American Standard Fender Stratocaster, with whammy bar and rigged-out with a brand new set of #9s).
Sadly, this was all before the time of Political Correctness. As years passed, and finally by graduation day (when the little Oracle received his Scepter and then finally Gold Flake Embossed Parchment Imprimatur--official license to dispense revelations and impart divinations conferred only after 18 months' internship on the Warwick Psychic Hotline) the world was in the throes of the corrosive and horrible American disease loosed upon the lands, across the seas and oceans, through the media and via the internet: "Political Correctness".
The little Oracle only had a chance to make two pronouncements when it happened; it was a sad, sad day. On question number three of the little Oracle's practice, someone asked about the differences in how marbles rolled!!!
SSSHHH!!! The rolling marbles, we dare not speak of them. Only in backrooms, and in some books where large royalties have been paid in advance, such that the Author might take refuge in Argentina before the anathema rolls off the presses.
Sequestered away in study at Delphi, though, where there is no newspaper, no internet, no TV, no radio...these things are not allowed as they interfere with the reception of cosmic vibration required for Oracling...the little Oracle didn't know he couldn't talk about the marbles.
Everyone knows that there are different aspects of even very similar trees, and birds, and dogs, and cats, and rocks, and chickens, and soil, and water, and air, and so forth. Heck, we analyze the crap out of just about everything. Marbles are no different from these things. There are fat marbles. There are almost perfectly round marbles. There are less round marbles. There are small marbles. There are purple marbles, blue marbles, red marbles, and orange marbles-almost every color marble. There are agates, cat-eyes...I think you see!!!
One thing about marbles, and this thing is proven by ratio, is the way they roll. They do roll differently. Well, someone decided, for some reason, that for the good of all, lest anyone be led to think that differences in a marble's roll might make some one marble somehow less of a marble than another, everyone should hereafter agree that all marbles roll the same. And then, it became the province of the "Politically Correct". And once THAT happened, no one was allowed to speak of it again without being called a "Marble-ist". Who was this someone? This storyteller doesn't know! But that's not the story. Suffice to say the little Oracle had not been told.
People were allowed to talk about differences in color of marbles, sizes of marbles (in fact, it was clear that different sizes of marbles came in certain colors and could be used for tasks that cause people to pay great sums of money to come and observe!!), shapes of marbles, where the marbles were originally manufactured, how old the marbles were, BUT NOT how they rolled.
Because of the decision of Political Correctness, all science surrounding the rolling of marbles had gone underground (well, almost-or had to escape to Argentina). No one really knew, for sure, which marbles rolled this way, and which rolled that way. So we arrive back at that fateful day, when someone asked the little Oracle question #3, about the way marbles rolled. The poor chap who asked the question figured this might be the only way to get it answered, as "The Marble Quantity" book had been banned in his local bookstore (TMQ was written by a guy who now lives in Argentina).
So, the little Oracle received his question. And he thought, and he thought. Even though no one had told him he couldn't answer, he still was worried about it (remember, the little Oracle was psychic). But, slowly, he said to himself, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can!!" And then he did.
Holy Mother of God, now he'd played it!! Stone him! Marble-ist! Disconnect his high-speed Internet!! Smash his monitor! It was truly awful. There was an outcry, heard far and wide across the land to insert the end of a sharpened stave up the little Oracle's ass.
What did the little Oracle do? Well, what would YOU do, dear readers? The little Oracle decided to capitalize on this discovery, but certainly not in a free forum. The little Oracle decided to write his OWN book about marbles, "The Truth About the Way Marbles Roll".
So, this story has a very happy ending after all. The little Oracle got to tell the truth in the end, and TTAWMR sold millions of copies through Amazon.com (although banned at bookstores). The little Oracle retired to Peru and started a Rock Band, "The Fabulous Llamas", and put his Scepter to the Good Purpose for which it was Intended. And, the little Oracle lived happily ever after.