Untitled Writing #7

Heather J. Kintyre

I don't believe there's much hope for this world, and certainly for anyone like me, or myself. I live my life on a day to day basis, trying to plan for the future, but never making any firm commitments too far into the future. I know how things change, and I may not survive to the end of the week, mayhap not even to the next day. Hell, I don't even buy calendars until about the end of October, at the earliest. I may not live to see the first month of the next year, so why bother spending on something unnecessary? Then I look at the kid and I'd hate to leave her an orphan. Then do I try to get through the current day without breaking my body up into several pieces, or coming apart mentally and regretting it later. I'll always play out the possible scenario in my mind before I act upon it. I've avoided many an uncomfortable situation by doing so. It's slow at first, but as you get used to the mental process, it becomes easier, and you adjust it accordingly, avoiding those harsh words you wish you'd never uttered. Conversations are not so frequent. There is discussion regarding some business, and that's about it. Mayhap once a week I'd speak, then not too much. Silence is normal for me. I fill the gaps with reading, writing and my music when I'm not working on some 'body maintenance' stuff. 'Body maintenance? Everything dealing with the cleaning and maintaining of the body. Showers, baths, washing, food and stuff like that. I wasn't even given a chance to defend myself to anyone. I was, and have been, condemned before I even had a chance. So I hereby use the disk as my substitute. Even then, I wouldn't have bothered, except like I told a teacher I once had, I'm awfully tyred, and those like myself, those who successfully commit suicide and the few remaining, condemned to live out the rest of their lives until their bodies let them go, are very tyred. We want the abuse to stop. Society isn't very kind to us. They pat us on the shoulder, and at the end of it all, tell us to then go back and live in the some environment that is doing the damage that causes us to be so suicidal. Don't give us your half way houses either, they're full of murderers, rapists and all those 'reformed' villains who never learned to survive in society.

Do you know what happens when you try to tell a doctor that you feel awful, you are harboring thoughts of suicide? I give you fair warning, here. The doctors are for the most part atheists. That is, they have rigid inflexible minds that don't allow for much creative imaginations. Anything you tell them is taken literally. They will then see to it that you are locked up, because it is their belief that you are a danger either to yourself or to others, if not both.

As a writer, I make up characters and various scenarios. A few of those characters are suicidal, and others harbor a sympathetic view to suicide. They actually harbor suicidal minds. Having read the books to help you to create characters, the sci-fi elements and so on, one thing none of them will tell you. The most important thing you can do is actually put yourself in the characters mind. Become the character, know how they think, feel and see. You may not be this way yourself, you may reject certain parts of the character, and embrace other parts. This is why I am agnostic, and not an atheist. Alas, in trying to get help from a doctor, they have little and no sympathy, and they can't see how the writer is trying to get help. Instead they jump the gun and treat you like a criminal. If you are truly set upon committing suicide, the best thing you can do is say nothing to anyone and just do it. If you are trying to go get help, don't mention the extent of how suicidal feeling you may be. You're just severely depressed, and can't cope when the stress that's taking place in your life. You're trying to seek help medically because you suspect you're just too sensitive. If you were able to think more clearly you could probably handle everything better, etc., etc.

Oh, I suppose I could wallow in hatred towards society making me an outcast, prejudging me and all that. What good would that do me? It sure won't help, and the few who would've tried to honestly help wouldn't like me much either. I wouldn't like me, that's a given. Face it. You have to live with yourself before anyone else. Not again. Damn conscience. How I'd love to get rid of the megalomaniac pirate.

So anyway, I get on with my life as best I can, and I no longer care what someone says or thinks, prejudging me right or wrong. I have my future all set before me, and no one can change it so easily. No, not even I could.

So there you have it. From what I've seen, heard and understand, most humans prefer to wear their tongues out talking. I guess they have nothing better to do. Don't expect me to be as one of them for I'm sure I'd be a grave disappointment to you. Besides, it gets kind of annoying when I start faltering and sounding like a drunken sailor as I lose control over the speech. I can't help it. I get too tyred, nervous or both.