Untitled Writing #2

Heather J. Kintyre

I never understood how someone could be around a huge amount of other humans. I couldn't do it if my life depended upon it. Too many humans drain my soul. Any large gathering with a lot of humans, and their attention focused on you is a condition I'll forever stay away from. Just the crowd is bad enough. Too much body language; it's a curse of knowing body language so well that I can't be around so many at once for too long.

A comfortable survival is everyone's goal, sure. It's when the fancy and expensive toys require a lot more income to maintain them that such a life is no better than a poor one. At least when you're poor you can't sink any lower than you are already.

I doubt I can ever trust anyone of human origin completely. Men and women have different values. This also creates suspicion and doubts. Once doubt sets the ball of suspicion rolling, that's it. It's my blessing and curse.

If you want honesty, and if you're like me, and value truth then here it is. I'm too tired to maintain lying. When you're caught on the original lie, you have to cover it up with two more lies, then two more lies for every additional one you tell. Upon telling the truth, it's done. No more effort. For that reason alone, I prefer honesty. Never mind everything else.

There is a positive and negative side to the mirror abilities. I can see everything forward and backward very easily. Either way makes no difference to me. Yet when I look into a mirror I lose my coordination. I have to go within in order to see where my hand is in relation to the rest of whatever's reflected. It's a small price to pay for the benefits. No, I can see depth. I couldn't have scored so high on the drivers test if I had no depth. In other words, whenever I look into a mirror I don't see me as you may see me. I can't see in a mirror and concentrate on what I see without having to go within first. Within myself, that is. It's a protective means also. A way to judge where you are in relation to the object that's moving away or toward you, how close are they, and so forth. Can't cut my own hair very well, but I keep trying anyway. It's too inconvenient to go get it done. Especially when the salons may be closed at the time I'm not having another headache from too long of hair.

Oh. An interesting event arose lately in which some neighbors tried to set me up. It was out of jealousy that they acted. All their insult attempts and framings backfired with a magnification as one reflected in a mirror. Mayhap that is one other side effect of the mirror.

There is something else that I knew as long as I can remember. Mayhap it's another reflection of my mirror abilities. That is, those you surround yourself with a lot or all of the time will become a reflection of yourself. Just as Justin Hayward's music in many ways reflected the music of John Lodge and vice versa. I knew about the reflecting of others even when I was three, which was when I started gaining more memories. For this reason I kept myself away from others I didn't want to reflect. The white trash humans I had as parents were an embarrassment. I saw through them like old-fashioned glass. I remained alone or in the company of non-human species of better quality than the low life humans I was forced to be around. You can choose your friends, but never your parents. So when or if you decide to expose yourself a wider circle in broadening your horizons, be very careful. There's a lot of white trash out there.

I often dislike my future abilities. At the same time I wouldn't want to live without them. I've avoided many an unpleasant and otherwise 'sticky' situation only by having my 'cursed gifts.' Yes, it's saved my life too many times to count. It's a hell of a legacy, that's for sure. Although I wouldn't wish the Melancholy Man's cursed gift upon others I personally wouldn't want to live without them.

I don't know why the things so obvious to me are so well overlooked by others. For some unknown reason, few others are able to see the obvious as well, even when it's right under their noses. Not until someone points the obvious out to them do they understand how you drew your conclusions. I can sympathise with A.C.D.'s Sherlock Holmes character.

At the same time, I'm not psychic or a fortuneteller. Give me a background, a condition or two and I'll draw you a scenario or two. How many angles do you want? How long do you want the scenario to go? One day? One year? A hundred? Excluding death, the general scenario usually stays constant, and especially the overall planet structure and the life within and on it.

Yes, I write backwards. I prefer it. It could be a reflection of the 'natural' ability I've always had to see beyond the positive/negative within life. No, I detest evil. I play with and maintain a rather morbid darker humour, even. Although the reality of death terrifies me I'll embrace eternal death before evil takes a hold of me to become another 'servant of evil.' Before I made such an eternal promise, I had to see beyond the petty mortal lives and their 'comfortable' standards. I had to be able to see the benefits of evil, it's destructive means needed in order to create good.

Can you, the reader, possibly comprehend any of what I describe? Or will you condemn me as so many others have tried to do? That's the easy route. Like the older sister (the whore) I once knew, it's too difficult to understand a more complex mind than your own 'simple' mind. If you don't try, will you instead take the easy route and place a label of crazy on those like myself? Are we really crazy? Or are we more sane than the 'simple' minded ones? At least I'm not condemned as another 80 IQ that the world is overcrowded with today.

Like I said, I reject the evil side. Please don't go out and start killing the non-human animals with such a rationale. Becoming such a mean tempered person is a horror to avoid at all costs. There's more than enough evil already existing within the universe. You don't need to increase it more by adding to it.

I can't warn you enough to be careful. Whatever you do, however you decide to use, or not, the looking beyond information, that's up to you. I cannot and will not be responsible for running another's life.

When you look outside on a starry starry night, you will see a very small and impartial universe. The laws of physics are used in the maintaining of the universe, regardless of what life there is or ever was. Planet's often die and are born with the indifference of any influence from man. This is reality. Whatever 'gods' there are, they use and maintain these laws of physics. Science as man knows it and science as yet unknown is used by the 'gods' who use a little of both good and evil beyond any good and evil as you or I know it. It borders on sci-fi, and when it comes to those things unknown, I take a writer's license and base it upon fantasy. If you can use anything to help you to improve your own mortal life, do so. It's the best anyone can ever hope to do.

In the words of Henry David Thoreau, 'If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away.'

Well, the music I follow is a lot different than most. One person I met, my age, is so far gone, believing that he knows me when he doesn't. I'm disgusted with him, and as soon as I can break out of this financial rut I'm in, I'll be getting rid of the bastard. We have nothing in common, other than some of the music and the animals. He's into cars and building, I'm not. He's proud to be among the white trash types, I'm not. He's proud to be stupid and rejects any knowledge to make himself a better person, and I'm against that way of thinking. I'm into the imagination, learning more things to improve myself spiritually as well as feed my imagination and he's not. His way of life is such that he believes he knows common sense, and a lot more than me, but he doesn't. When he tries to tell me how much smarter he is, I can see how stupid he really is as his ignorance shines like a beacon, as he's trying to cover his ignorance up. He's so proud of his 'intelligence' in these areas that he'll never be able to learn and go beyond his ignorance. I met him some years after this that I describe, though. Well, I pass no judgement, everyone's entitled to live as they see fit and within whatever lifestyle makes him or her happy. Just don't try to involve me when there's no way I can or ever would adjust to reflect that life I detest and reject so strongly.

I truly was raised with fear. I never learned how to love or be loved by anyone other than the non-human animals. All I ever knew of the human version was what I read or was described in music. The closest I ever came was once upon a time when there were several months before the boyfriend became the ex-soul mate, later husband, forever cursed to regret the actions I had to take. At least he isn't violent. I resume my preference to remain alone all of the time. Once a soul mate leaves, they can never reattach. That is one of the many curses. I wonder if you'll ever be able to acknowledge your hidden weaknesses and desires? Probably not since pride is often too powerful and hard to destroy or put into some constructive workable manner.

How can I explain this? As I said in my writings, I'm agnostic. This attitude goes beyond any religion related status. It also means, in a nutshell, that if the truths I know of, or thought to be known as true, can be proven wrong, so be it. I can and will readily admit that I was wrong. For example, if we found an opening into another universe, how wonderful that'd be, and I'd be one of the first to say 'let's see what's beyond the next' where a religious minded person couldn't accept it, for all their beliefs would come into question and possibly destroy them. Like Carl Sagan, my questions begin with 'What if...' a lot. Unlike Carl Sagan, I won't discard completely all religious angles, because in the words of Shakespeare "There's more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."

Alas, for all that's happened, I do feel the draining. John Denver's music is doing the best it can, along with the Beatles, Gilmour, Chad & Jeremy, Kenny Rogers and some others. Even the Tarney Spencer Band is in there.

Actually, there's only one truth that I hold to be absolute. That truth is exercise in every manner possible is more beneficial than harmful. Be it mental, physical or both. Actually if you can combine the two, you have the best of both worlds.

With a heavy sigh, I resign myself to my fate. You take with you whatever warmth and well meant wishes others may place upon you. I cannot give what I never received. Like yourself, 'I Am A Rock' Simon & Garfunkel.