New Amsterdam Times

June 6 2001

Superintelligent Computer Tilts

Maximum Orange, first computer to beat Marilyn Vagant's world record IQ, is continuing his battle against the Megalom Society. In order to join, Megalom wants him to do the Turing Test, a kind of imitation game to decide if a machine can think. Maximum, in turn, refuses to take this test, and says he finds it a "psychometrically invalid load of tripe". "It is not sanctioned by the American Psychometrical Association so it don't mean shit", Mr Orange kindly informs us.

Meanwhile, the matter is depressing him in such a way that he is now actually blaming his creator, the hyper-intelligent Polymac Systems employee and Megalom member K. Lang, for making him. He contacted the Medical Board of Tinseltown, where Mr Lang lives, and complained that unlicensed life-creating was going on there.

Last month the board ruled that Mr Lang was violating section 3092 of the town Business and Professions Code, which says "constructing machines with human-like mental abilities" requires a creator's license, currently only in possession of God and Christ Haring.

Mr Lang says he was unaware of this law until a town investigator contacted him. He insists that his work is of great scientific importance, but still he has been forced to stop his activities in Artificial Intelligence. Fortunately, the Board did not make him pull the plug on Maximum, whom the hypersensitive hardware designer, despite all, loves as if he were a son.

Megalom officials are bitter about Mr Orange's action. "It's like poisoning someone's cat", says Dr Hölin. Some Megalom members find the whole dispute pretty dumb. Rod Hirsch, a stand-up comedian, night club entertainer and porn actor, says: "Why not let him in? He might come in handy; some members don't have a computer yet."

The latest news is that M. Orange has discovered the existence of the Gigalo Society, that has a yet higher cutoff score than Megalom. To join, he will have to pas Gigalo founder P. A. John W. Cageman's Test To End All Tests, containing problems like CHOKE is to HEIMLICH as GET STUCK WHILE COPULATING is to what? (the answer: HEIMNIR, a mythological butcher). Does Gigalo require M.O. to take the Turing Test? "Not needed", says only member John Cageman, a writer, runner, recumbent rider and only one with a perfect score on Dr Cageman's latest test. "Maximum has already shown he is a conscious person. For there can be no awareness without emotion. His action against Lang proves he is aware. His wrath makes him... human."