New Amsterdam Times

Computer Defeats Vagant

For the first time in the history of IQ testing machine has defeated man. Powerful Polymac Systems computer Maximum Orange outscored the human IQ world record holder, Miss Marilyn S. Vagant, by 5 points on the Stanford-Binet scale. Used was the Hyper Test, designed by Prof Dr L. Ron Hölin of the Hölin Institute for Decoding Philosophy. Miss Vagant, though stupefied at first, challenged M.O. for a retest on the Hölin Power Test 21, that combined the best 36 crawling ant problems from Dr Hölin's first 43 tests.

This time Vagant won, mainly because Mr Orange gave up after one problem, claiming his opponent's private secretary, seated in the audience with a laptop, was breaking into his circuits and decoding them via the Internet. "Pull the plug on the brat", Vagant sharply responded, and mailed her score sheet off to Guinness.

A riot followed when Maximum, having scored IQ 871+ on Ron Hölin's Hyper Test, demanded entrance to the Megalom Society, that selects its members at or above IQ 671 on a scale where 140 constitutes genius. J. Christ Haring, President of the Society, member of all known committees and right hand to God, denied admission, stating the machine had never passed the Turing Test. M. Orange, enraged, beeped neither of the four members of Megalom ever had - or would be able to. The Megalom Society is now scanning its bylaws for a way out of this crisis ...

Author's note: Although my name is appended, this article appears to be from the New Amsterdam Times of April 6th, 2001. It leaked back in time into the archives of the Giga Society through a wormhole in my vacuum cleaner. The Turing Test, by English mathematician/logician Alan M. Turing (1912-1954), was meant to decide if or not a machine could "think". Turing predicted by 2000 a computer would be able to pass his test. Turing's work is acknowledged as the foundation of research in Artificial Intelligence. His death on the other hand is a sublime example of how humanity treats its geniuses; he apparently killed himself because of depressing medical treatment he'd been forced to undergo (in lieu of prison) to "cure" him of homosexuality.