Cultural Hygiene Machines

Dr Barney Vincelette


One day a man entered his kitchen for the purpose of treating himself to a delicious bowl of chocolate pudding. Upon crossing the threshold from his livingroom into his kitchen he was most disquieted to apprehend the horrible stench of a brown creamy indiscretion having been left upon the centre of the kitchen floor by his ill-housebroken dog. As he opened the screen door to go outside to fetch the plastic spatula he kept for the purpose of lifting the worst of such indiscretions he failed to notice a fly as it flew into his kitchen. He returned with his spatula, scooped up the indiscretion, flushed it down the toilet, and proceeded to wash the site of the indiscretion with copious quantities of disinfectants. Though he never touched the indiscretion with his hands (he always wore gloves whenever he performed this office,) he scrubbed the rubber gloves, removed them, and sedulously washed his hands and dried them. He did not notice the fly who was observing this entire performance. He opened the windows to the summer breeze and within five minutes the stench was blown clear of his kitchen. The fly stood on the windowsill, upright on its two hindmost legs. With its other four limbs, it formed tightly closed fists which it propped upon its waist.

The man opened his refrigerator, produced a bowl of chocolate pudding, and placed it on the kitchen table in front of himself. He grasped his spoon and dipped it into the pudding in preparation to savor his first taste. Suddenly he heard the fly exclaim, "You hypocrite!" He heard the voice coming from the windowsill and looked for a person who might have just spoken those words. He saw the fly standing on its hind legs shaking its head. He was taken aback with profound incredulity when he perceived that it was the fly speaking. "I'm talking to you, mister!"

"What did I do that you, a fly, should call me a hypocrite?" protested the man.

"You know what you just did, you elitist bastard. I was watching you and I am shocked at the insulting treatment you just gave to the kind of food I like to eat. How would you like it if I treated your food with the same disrespect that you treated mine? You are so intolerant that you don't even want to smell what I eat, let alone be open minded enough to taste it before you judge it so harshly. The way you wash it up with chemicals would make one think that the difference between your dietary preference and mine were somehow more than the mere matter of subjective personal taste and opinion that it is."

"Now see here," protested the man, "I cleaned up a pile of dog shit because it is so filthy and unsanitary to have it around."

"That is only true in the reality you have chosen to create for yourself in which it is dirty and inferior to what you happen to like to eat," pontificated the fly pedantically, "but in my reality it is the finest of gourmet treats. And my reality is just as valid as yours."

"Then you can eat your shit far away from where I live so that I do not have to smell it and I will keep my chocolate pudding in my home so that if you don't like its smell you will not have to be offended when you are in your home," said the man.

"You pompous, superior, snob!" lectured the fly, "Just who in the hell do you think you are! What make you so special that you dare to discriminate and to pretend that there is any significant difference between your chocolate pudding and what I eat! They are both brown and creamy. They both have almost exactly the same chemical elements in them, carbon, nitrogen, phosphorous, oxygen, hydrogen. How dare you defy and insult my dietary preferences when you live in a country that prides itself in democracy, where the will of the majority prevails and those in the minority are obliged to conform to the majority. Don't you know that there are thousands of flies for every human and that makes our will morally superior to yours. You had no right to clean up and treat as filth, let alone refuse to eat, what the majority chooses to eat."

In this parable the dog that left the indiscretion is the popular music industry. The indiscretion is rape music. (The originators of rape music were probably too illiterate to know that for a vowel in a syllable to have the long sound the syllable must be conflated with the letter "e". Consequently, they spelled "rape", "rap" and most people think it is called rap music.) The fly is the inconsiderate neighbor who insists upon a right to turn up his or her rape music to such prodigious volumes that it contaminates the purity and cultural integrity of your home. It is the author's design to instruct the reader on how to fight back against such neighbors; for, to cleanse the neighborhood by building and using the cultural hygiene machines according to the instructions submitted here is to help make the world a better place to live.


The first thing we must understand is the difference between the kind of music our inconsiderate low life neighbors force into our homes and the music of more advanced and more human forms of culture. Those whose intelligence is higher than that of such neighbors almost unconsciously can sense that "pop" music, as it is called by those defenders of it whose brains are too lazy to process the entire word, "popular", is, in every respect, inferior to the classical music which first appeared in Europe and is now composed and played throughout the world. Unlike the kinds of music that cannot be composed without almost superhuman genius and cannot be performed without years of rigorous training, popular music, which includes "top 40", "disco", and rape music, popular music is written in songs of two to three minutes so as never to exceed the limited attention span of its audience. These songs emphasize a simple drum beat and linear melody carefully designed never to overtax the cognitive powers of those who listen to it and the words to these songs are always sung in baby talk.

In addition to the obvious structural primitivity of popular music, there is medical evidence that it is inferior. In December of 2000, the American Academy of Neurology published in its journal, Neurology, a paper entitled, "Pop music and frontotemporal dementia," in which Professor Doctor Giovanni Frisoni and his colleagues reported their observation that when the frontal and temporal lobes of the brain shrink from diseases that also enlarge the ventricle holes inside these brain tissues, the intelligence suddenly diminishes to something tragically below mental retardation, after which, such patients, for the first time in their lives, begin listening to popular music which they had hitherto never tolerated.

In the concert hall, the sound pressure of classical music rarely reaches 90 decibels where the audience sits. If the sound pressure is measured at enough concerts, one of these might yield 100 decibels every few seasons. If you play a piece of classical music in your home, and turn the volume up till the loudest passages measure 90 dB on a sound meter held in the listening seat, and you go outside, you need only walk seventy five to one hundred feet before you can no longer hear it. Thus, classical music, like other more advanced forms of culture, does not trespass into the homes of the neighbors. Those who create it confidently understand that it will earn the privilege of being accepted by those of higher culture strictly on its higher artistic merits. They have no need to physically force others to hear it.

In contrast thereto, popular music, especially rape music, is designed to be aggressively forced upon us. It's low frequency drum beat, which carries furthest through the air and which most easily penetrates into peoples' homes, is played on specially designed overpowered public address systems at volumes that can be heard as much as half a mile away.

What is the purpose of rape music? Simulacra argue that those who play it enjoy its sound. They claim that in the arts there are absolutely no absolutes by which the "self-esteem" of those who identify with the likes of rape music can be menaced by the fact that beating on a drum and grunting like a baboon is obviously inferior to a performance by highly trained musicians in an orchestra. With boundless democracy they offer everybody the opportunity to become an instant artistic genius without any requirements for rare aptitudes and years of training. But it cannot be enjoyed even by those who insist that they like it. People pretend to like it only because they know that if they dare to admit how much they hate it they will be persecuted by their peers for such unpopular nonconformity, even though all their peers hate it just as much as they do. The reason there is so much drug abuse in communities that play it constantly is because having to live with such constant ugliness is so painful that people use drugs in an attempt to anesthesize themselves from it. The question remains, what is the purpose of inflicting such painful ugliness upon all but those who are so wealthy that they can afford to purchase the hundreds of acres of land it takes to live far enough away from those who play it that they do not have to hear it?

To answer this question we observe that chimpanzees underscore social domination by defecating into their hands and hurling and smearing their excrement upon those below them in the pecking order. The chimpanzees that place their feces into their hands and throw it no more like the contact with feces than those who play rape music like the sound of what they play into their neighbors' homes. They do it as a form of subhuman ritualistic bullying. Their music, their entire culture, is a backwash in the river of evolution and they are fulfilling a subhuman instinct to dominate those around them and forcefully bring them down to their level. Like crabs in a crab pot, whenever any nonconforming rebel tries to climb out of the pot, the other crabs pull the miscreant back down to their culture; for they resent the idea that anyone in their midst should enjoy a life free from the excrement smearing music they suffer to hear.

In the ghettos, in the apartment buildings, and in the trailer parks where lower primates smear their popular music on everyone in their midst, we can hear their resentment of those who dare to reject ugly culture and lower life in such protests as, "Hmmmmnnnnnaaaaaahhhhhh mean, ya know, what's tha matter with him? He thinkin' he be too good ta go out and get drunk laaaahk everbody else? He thinkin' he, ya know, Aaaaahhhhh mean be too good ta have ta put up with our cigarette smoke baaaahcause he be too elitist ta smoke laaaahk tha rest of us? He only listen ta that golldamn long haired music baaahcause our music ain't good 'nuff fo him? It ,Aaaah mean, ya know, pisses me off, ya know, that he go ta college and git all tham fancy degrees and talkin' like some professaaaaah baaahcause he be thinkin' he better than we is!" Their fascism of totalitarian democracy demands that no one dares to aspire to anything better than their lower primate way of life.

On the three hundredth birthday of Johann Sebastian Bach, Robert Shaw, in his address to the National Press Club Luncheon, called popular music "blubber for flabby minds". Suppose a well exercised body builder dwelt amidst lazy obese neighbors. If they are the kind of neighbors who play rape music, They would resent that the body builder was not endowed with the ugly blimptitude that bedizens their physiques. If they could, they would ameliorate their envy over the kind of body they themselves are not willing to do the work it takes to achieve. This they would do by surgically transplanting rolls upon rolls of ugly flab into the body builder's once beautiful body so that he would be as hideous as they are. Since they cannot do so, they transplant their blubber for flabby minds into the homes of their cultural superiors, in short, they raise the volume of their rape music.

You cannot negotiate with such lower primates. The dishonesty with which they pretend that their music is a legitimate form of artistic expression rather than the weapon of subjugation that it is proves that they will negotiate in the same bad faith with which they lie to each other and to the rest of the world when they claim to like the sound of it. When they are confronted with the fact that they are violating the rights of their cultural superiors they will apologize with deceptive solicitude and turn the volume down temporarily. Then, by degrees, they will raise the volume in an experiment to discover how loudly they can play it before there is another complaint. After many more complaints they will argue that we must be forced to hear some of it, the same way chimpanzees will demand the right to smear some of their feces on each other. And even the smallest trace feces will be used as a precedent to demand the right to smear as much feces as they can defecate upon us all.

Rather than repeat Neville Chamberlain's mistake with such lower primates there are two things we must do. First, we must offer the police and the courts every possible opportunity to stop such noise polluters. In most cases, the law will fail because noise polluters have established it as "normal" to have popular songs playing and that we are obliged to tolerate it in the privacy of our homes. This brings us to the inevitable second thing we must do. We must fight back because submission to their bullying will only excite their predatory instincts and cause them to escalate their bullying without limits. It is the purpose of the author to instruct the reader on how to build and to use weapons with which to fight back. The more weapons used against them, the more complicated will be the problems they will suffer whenever they try to contaminate our homes with their fecal music. Fighting back endows the reader with more than just relief from rape music. It defeats those subhuman forms of culture that metastasize into our homes and it makes the world a better place for all. It destroys the painful ugliness that causes the majority of drug abuse, crime, racism, and class warfare. It gives our lives a purpose that is bigger than we are. Let the revolution against low life culture be spread as antibodies are dispersed to defeat any other infection that dares to attack us.

Some of these devices, depending upon how one might interpret the laws, which in most cases are the finest money can buy, might be considered arguably illegal. But laws are surprisingly unpredictable for three reasons. First, whenever you read them they sound far more precise than they really are. This is because those who write them mean them to say things that are vastly different from what they appear to say. Terms become redefined to things that deviate far from standard dictionary definitions and from definitions established by the more serious minded elements of the academic community. Second, they contradict themselves so prodigiously that even the most elite Supreme Court judges almost never agree on any interpretation of any law. For instance, a sexual pedophile might be successfully prosecuted and punished for injecting his semen into a child. When the prosecution is successful and a punishment is carried out, we should approve. However, if the criminal is a tobacco pedophile, whose crime is less unpopular than that of the sexual pedophile, even when it can be proven that the tobacco smoke she injected into her own baby caused brain injury or sudden infant death, all manner of surplus civil rights are adduced, as the poet Virgil would say, "...ex anvs extractus," against prosecution of so barbaric an act. Third, laws are prosecuted according to the capricious whims of the satraps who control who gets arrested. The average citizen cannot have a criminal arrested for breaking a published law if the police and/or courts do not feel like doing so.

In self defense against cultural tyranny you will be orchestrating symphonies of skullduggery. For this you could be prosecuted the same way some victims of attempted rape have been prosecuted for giving their rapists a swift kick in the onions. Therefore you must manipulate the system and resolve to sail through life in a greasy ship and slip the grips of society. Because you are rebelling against injustice, there is nothing opprobrious about the contumely with which you do so.

Not only is building cultural hygiene machines a preparation for forcing uppity neighbors to keep their inferior junk culture to themselves, but it makes a rewarding hobby. An FM jammer or a microwave cannon can be a beautifully crafted joy to build so that it looks like a fine piece of machinery or furniture from a Jules Verne or H. G. Wells novel. It can be exquisitely decorated with art work, velvet upholstery complete with sunken buttons, and embellished with richly stained, inlaid, and varnished woodwork. It makes a wonderful conversation piece for guests, who can visit without having the cultural inferiors next door hurling their fecal music upon them, thanks to the cultural hygiene machines with which you will be ready to retaliate.


If, according to how the police interpret the boundlessly flexible laws concerning noise pollution, your neighbors are allowed to play the drums beats of their rape music loudly as they want, and, according to the cultural relativism by which sociologists consider everybody's music unconditionally equally valid, their right to play their music automatically endows you with the right to play the music you will play, in this case, horns. Probably the best possible musical instrument with which to serenade your neighbors with every time they serenade you with their rape music would be a calliope constructed of ocean liner horns. However, ocean liner horns are difficult to acquire and you would need an enormous diesel powered air compressor to run such a thing. Next would be tug boat horns, followed by locomotive horns. But these require air compressors that are more powerful than anything that can be run on house current. They could be operated by discharging pre filled air tanks through them, but remote controlled solenoid valves on the thick air hoses needed to blow such horns are not that practical. This is not to suggest that such horns cannot be used by those more ambitious readers. However, the most practical and certainly loud enough solution is a pair of diesel truck horns. These can be found and can be inexpensively purchased at any truck salvage yard.. A six horsepower air compressor such as the Porter Cable model COL6025 is an excellent match for a pair of truck horns. It costs approximately $350, far less than the cost of a lawyer who would be far less effective in stopping your neighbors from forcing you to hear their rape music in your home, and magnitudes less than the cost of moving to where new neighbors can inflict their inferior culture upon your home thereupon leaving you right back where you started. Whether you use the Porter Cable COL6025 or another brand, it is best to choose a wet sump air compressor that can be run nonstop for hours if necessary.

Obviously, like a chimpanzee who is suddenly unable to smear its feces upon its victim without the victim retaliating with an unsubmissive spray of vomit, the neighbor who smears fecal music will not like the vicissitude of suddenly suffering the vomit spray of truck horn music challenging his or her predatory bullying instinct. Therefore there is some risk that the frustrated bully might attempt vandalism. In order to defeat this risk, there are some precautions that you can take. Position the air compressor indoors. It will last longer if it is out of the weather and the neighbor will not be able to find it without the suicidal expedient of breaking into your home where you and/or possible booby traps are waiting. Bury the air hose to the truck horns underground. You must make a choice of where you will mount the truck horns. If the salvage yard can cheaply supply you with dozens of truck horns that no longer can be made to work, you could mount them up in the trees so that the neighbor will not know which horns will be the ones that retaliate against their rape music. But you must determine where your other neighbors stand in the fight. If they refuse to take a stand against the rape music, that is, if they say, "Hmmmmaaaaaah mean, ya know, Aaaaahm laaaaahk Aaaaahhh doe wannah git involved, see wehat Aaaaa'm sayin'," or they insist that it is not "normal" to ban such music from your home, you need not concern yourself with whether or not they like the truck horn music. In that case, you can mount the live horns up in the trees and have electrical wires that would deliver a shock to anyone who attempts to tamper with the horns. You can also surround the horn bodies with bricks or concrete so that it will be dangerous for your neighbors to try to shoot at the horns.

However, you might want to concentrate the sounds from the horns only upon one neighbor. The best way to do this is to acquire an old ten foot satellite dish and aim it at your neighbor's home. In the focal point of the dish you can mount your truck horns with the trumpet ends pointed toward the dish. This will concentrate the sound reflected from the dish against the offending neighbor and spare the other neighbors the bulk of your horn music.

Obviously you will need to protect the horns against neighbors tampering. You will need something that will intimidate them. For this you can use a neon sign transformer of at least 15,000 volts. Sign shops will have good used transformers. Franceformer is an excellent brand and it can deliver this voltage at 450 watts continuously without strain. With PVC pipe you can build a simple framework that will provide standoffs upon which you can surround the horns with stiff ten gauge solid copper wire. The copper wire will extend to a pair of antennae like structures that will form what is called a Jacob's ladder. The transformer can be switched on automatically by a spotlight activating motion detector such as can be purchased at any hardware store. Place the motion detector on "test" mode and any time anyone approaches the horns, sparks will start rising up the Jacob's ladder and communicate to the neighbors that it will be very dangerous to touch anything and your neighbors will wonder what other surprises are lurking. You can also cover the horn bodies and the neon sign transformer, (which you can hide anyway by covering it with plastic basins that will protect it from the weather) with bricks to stop any bullets - in the unlikely event that the neighbor wants to accept such risks in using firearms as prosecution or even return fire.

Because the kind of people who play rape music are more like feces hurling chimpanzees than humans, they will probably have inferior intelligence. With this in mind, you will want to know how to apply the horns in the most effective punishment schedule for de-programming your neighbor's behaviour. For this purpose you can visit the library of the nearest university and read the chapters in some graduate texts in psychology and education of retarded persons. Professor Doctor Foxx is considered to have the best punishment schedules for diminishing undesirable behaviours in retarded people. According to his laboratory research, you should begin with no more than a five minute horn punishment. If, after five minutes, when you stop the horns, the rape music is still playing, you restart the horns. At first, longer punishments are likely to exceed the limited attention span of the kind of people who need such correction. It takes several five minute penalties for them to learn to associate their playing of rape music with the unpleasant consequence of hearing the horns. In time, if they are stubborn, you can extend the penalties to half hour or longer cycles.

There is some possibility that you might be arrested for doing this. If this happens it is not necessarily a bad thing. It is likely to cause the courts to tell the police that if they arrest one person for loud music they have to arrest your neighbors for their loud music too. But, in order to have a good case which you have a duty to fight in court, you should ask some professional musician to supply you with affidavits that they have reviewed your "Protest Sonata for Calliope Consisting of Diesel Truck Horns" and that is every bit as much music, if not more so, than rape music.

Of course you should not rely on just one weapon for fighting back against those who dare to believe that they have the right to contaminate your home with their inferior culture. The next chapters will give construction plans for electronic cultural hygiene machines that will jam ghetto (or trailer park) blasters.


The most common instrument for forcing trashy music down our throats is the FM radio. By transmitting a signal that turns on and off sixty times per second, you will be able to replace the rape music on your neighbor's radio with a loud buzz. You may need to make a list of all the stations that play rape music so that as the neighbor changes stations you can jam stations one at a time so that wherever your neighbor tunes the radio, your jamming signal will eventually disable it. The advantage of this form of defense is that if your neighbor complains to the police, the police will likely respond with incredulity. A lowlife accusing someone of having a machine that causes their radio to mal-function will sound very much like a mental patient insisting that some sinister mad scientist has a machine that is putting dirty thoughts into their head. But if the FCC should use a direction finder to attempt to find your transmitter, their equipment will be confused by the signal from your transmitter turning on and off sixty times per second and the radio station broadcasting when your transmitter is off. Also, since you will only be operating your transmitter when your neighbor plays rape music into your home, it will be difficult to predict when you are on the air. If the neighbor turns up the rape music to cause the jamming in an attempt to help the police, that will be entrapment which will make it difficult to prosecute.(Remember, sail through life in a greasy ship when you must.)

The FM jammer you will build obviously uses some dangerous voltages. It consists of an oscillator stage that uses 300 volts and this oscillator stage is coupled into a grounded grid linear amplifier that is connected to 1200 volts AC which spikes as high as 1700 volts. It puts out several hundred watts and, according to the odometer of the author's car, it will disable most radio stations to which it is tuned for a distance of approximately half a mile. This design is thoroughly tested.

The chassis of your transmitter should be built from an aluminum box 3' by 10" by 12", or slightly larger if you wish. Two tuning capacitors, C4 and C5 in the schematic diagram, are tuned together so that they are approximately of the same capacitance. They should be mounted as close together as possible and as close as possible to the socket of vacuum tube V1. This will place them on the front side of the chassis next to the on and off switches. The socket for V1 will require a ring of holes drilled around it and a collar made of PVC scrap pipe will direct the flow of cooling air that will be blown up through the holes so that it passes through the cooling fins that surround the anode of V1. The power transformers, T1 and T2 will be mounted behind V1 so that a section of chassis is set aside for a square hole in which you will mount a cooling fan that will pressurize the chassis box and cause air to escape and cool both vacuum tubes. You can use truncated bolts that will cut their own threads into the 3/4" PVC pipes on which you will wind coils RFC2, RFC4, and RFC5. This will secure these coils to the chassis. (The bolt goes through a hole in the chassis and screws into the PVC pipe.

When you are putting your transmitter together, you will find it easiest try out the positions of the parts so that you have a configuration that makes everything easy to reach with your soldering iron. You will need to test the polarity of transformers T1 and T2 so that they are in series, that is, where the 600 volt windings connect together and join RFC2, whenever the wire from T1 is positive, the wire it meets from T2 is negative and whenever the wire from T1 is negative, the wire from T2 is positive. The safest way to test this is to connect the primary (black) wires from both transformers to the 5 volt secondary windings of T3 and you will either measure zero voltage between switch S2 and RFC4, or you will measure approximately 70 volts. This is much safer than trying to measure the full 1200 volts AC.

Vacuum tube V2 must have a cooling cap on its anode where it connects to RFC4 and C10. It is also a good idea to build some sort of walls that surround V2 so that the cooling air that blows up from the holes in the socket designed for the 3-500z triode cools the glass as much as possible. The antenna terminals should be a pair of brass screws in a plastic plate and alligator clips from the 300 Ohm transmission line to the antenna can be connected thereto. The transmission line to the antenna should be no more than four feet long because transmission line loses so much radio frequency energy that fifty feet of line cuts the range of your transmitter from more than half a mile to a few hundred feet or less. The antenna should be mounted on a PVC pipe just outside the window or wall through which the transmission line passes. A Radio Shack omnidirectional antenna is best to use. You will find that if you connect a 120 volt 15 watt light bulb across the terminals at either end of the transmission line while you are jamming your neighbor's jam session, it will light up almost fully. The more the current you observe through milliampere meters M1 and M2, the brighter the light will glow. 80 to 100 milliamperes through each tube is more than enough to disable an FM station for a good half mile and more current tends to cause the anode of V2 to glow red hot and the transformers to run unnecessarily hard. Switch S3 can change the cathode bias on V2 and change the current if you like.

Unlike amateur radios, this transmitter is designed to have broad band operation. There are no filters between stages, transmission lines, and the antenna. The impedance between stages and output are adjusted by varying the ratio of the capacitances of tuning capacitors (C4 and C5) in the oscillator section. The output of V2 is more than close enough to 300 Ohms that it can connect directly to the transmission line and the antenna. Blocking capacitor C10 is very important because most FM antennas are a sort of closed DC loop that could short circuit the 1700 peak volts on the anode of V2 to ground if there were no C10. But even though C10 blocks this 1700 volts, it is still possible to get a shock from touching the antenna and the radio frequency power in the antenna can inflict small pin head sized burns in the skin.

Because V2 is a linear grounded amplifier, any power from the oscillator section that is in excess of what is needed to drive V2 will pass in phase through V2 and be added to what goes out to the antenna. In this way, no power from V1 is wasted.

Because of the dangerous voltages in your transmitter, you should build a cabinet upon the chassis so that nobody will accidently touch an anode. As we have said in the prolegomenon, this cabinet can be a most beautiful expression of craftsmanship. If it resembles something out of a Jules Verne or H.G. Wells novel, in the unlikely event that it becomes an exhibit in a trial, artistic ornamentation and embellishment will amuse the jury so much that, notwithstanding a prosecutor's diatribe, "It's not funny!" they will be more likely to sympathize with you and be even more likely to acquit you because many of them hate rape music as much as you do.

When you test your jammer, you should see a spark when you touch a screwdriver to the anode of V1. You should keep the currents less than 100 milliamperes in both meters, which you can do by varying the relative positions of the tuning capacitors. You will learn how to do this while tuning a loud buzz into an F.M. radio you use as a monitor. Let is run for 15 minutes to make certain that nothing overheats and smokes. You can test the jammer by driving in a car with the radio tuned to the station you are jamming. You will be pleasantly surprised at how far you can drive before the station can be heard through the loud buzzing you are transmitting.

Scheme for FM Jammer



It is possible that a neighbor may use the AM band after the FM stations are jammed. Therefore it does not hurt to have a jammer that will defeat AM reception. The AM jammer is a much simpler circuit to build because at the lower frequencies at which it will operate it will only require one transmitting tube. Transformers T1 and T2 are the same kind as the ones used in the FM jammer and the whole thing can be built on a wooden board which should be made into a nice cabinet so that those parts of it that have as much as 1700 volts cannot be accidently touched. There must be enough room for air to circulate and cool the tube, which will not need a blower. The transmitting tube you will use is rather large, approximately twice the size of a pickle jar. You will have to do a few simple algebra calculations to determine how to wind L1 and these are shown in the parts list.

Scheme for AM Jammer


4.7kilo-Ohms 25 Watts - Mouser part number RH25-4.7K
0.01 microfarad ceramic disc, 3000volts - Mouser part number 140-202Z9-103M or 140-CD302U9-103M
variable capacitors with a minimum of .03" spacing between the plates - Fair Radio Sales #C-222/T-195 can be used with both sections wired in parallel for a total of 923 picofarads per capacitor.
Wind this coil with 21 gauge enameled wire with a centre tap off which you will connect the antenna. You can wind it on PVC pipe, a clear plastic cylinder used for making candles, (This can be found in an arts and crafts store.), or a large plastic pill jar. The number of turns will be:   2   3   ½   2
N=[10L+(100L +39336a )]/66a
Where a is the radius of the PVC pipe, clear plastic cylinder, or large plastic pill jar, and L=1/(5,97(C3+C4)) where C is in picofarads, and L1=L and is in microhenries.
Wind 7 evenly spaced bundles of 21 gauge enameled wire on a ferrite rod - Antique Electronic Supply rod part P-FR2
2.5 (or more)millihenry choke - Antique Electronic Supply P-C1535D
833A triode and socket with ceramic caps for the plate and for the grid - Penta Labs
Hammond 272JX 600Volt 1/4Ampere - Antique Electronic Supply PT272JX
Hammond 167S10 10Volts 10 Amperes - Antique Electronic Supply PT PT167S10



Scheme for Microwave Cannon

Suppose the neighbor, having been no longer able to use an FM or AM radio takes recourse to a compact dick player or a tape player? Can these instruments, having been used for cultural tyranny, be defeated? The ideal jamming device is one that does not have to be tuned as the radio jammers do. However, each weapon has advantages and disadvantages. The microwave cannon does not have the range of a radio jammer and it has to be aimed, but it can penetrate amplifier circuits and disrupt any signals going through them. A microwave laser would be ideal as would be a calliope of ocean liner horns suggested in Chapter the First. But such a system for shooting microwaves is not practical. Neither is a surplus early warning radar with a klystron amplifier (not to be confused with a reflex klystron oscillator). A waveguide that terminates in a rather long and thin horn antenna fed by a magnetron from a discarded microwave oven will offer an easy to build weapon that can jam a compact disc player up to at least fifty feet away and can jam the more sensitive tape head amplifiers in a cassette player well beyond one hundred feet. The microwave cannon has to be aimed at the ghetto/trailer park blaster and it is necessary to be a safe distance away from the microwave cannon while you are running it. In all probability, a compact disc player will be spitefully placed close to your property while it is used to play rape music. This offers the advantage that you can place the mouth of the microwave horn only a few feet from the ghetto/trailer park blaster and the microwave field intensity will be on the order of half a watt per square centimeter, approximately what it is inside a microwave oven. This should certainly destroy any solid state circuitry in the ghetto/trailer park blaster. It can be operated through a wooden fence and the neighbor will not know how you destroyed his or her ghetto/trailer park blaster without even touching it. The police will be unable to fathom what you just did.

There are two dangers with microwaves, they can damage the testicles and they can damage the eyeballs. This is because these structures resonate and form standing waves when they are irradiated by microwaves. In the testicles, the standing waves, when they are stronger than .01 watt per square centimeter, cause these organs to heat up faster than the body can remove the heat. At the lower .01 watt per square centimeter, it takes a long time, perhaps a much as half an hour, to raise the temperature enough to do any damage. At higher powers, the heat sensitive cells in the seminiferous tubules fail and could be destroyed permanently and the hormone producing cells could be cooked during tissue death. The eyeballs can form cataracts in the interior side of the lens. Therefore, whenever you use the microwave cannon you should never stand in front of it. You can prevent any stray microwave radiation from turning your gonads into stopnads by stuffing them into a tin can less than 2 3/4" in diameter, but if you stay behind the cannon and twenty feet or more behind it if you run it for a long time, the tin can will not really be necessary.

If, by rumor, it becomes suspected that you will fight back with microwaves, the fear of radiation is likely to deter even the trashiest of neighbors from risking it and there will be no rape music. If, in the course of applying microwaves to their ghetto/trailer park blaster you should overheat their testicles, what they do not know won't hurt them and they will not be likely to figure out why their testicles are shrinking. If the hormone making cells are destroyed, they might become more docile and less difficult to persuade to give up their primitive chimpanzee practice of throwing their fecal music onto your property.

To build the microwave cannon, you will need nine feet of fourteen inch wide sheet copper from a roofing supply company. From this, you will cut a rectangular horn that extends from a rectangle that matches the dimensions of the waveguide in the microwave oven from which you took the magnetron you will be using. The waveguide you build will have a hole into which you will mount the magnetron. This hole must be in approximately the same position in your copper waveguide that it was in the waveguide in the microwave oven from which you are using the parts, typically approximately 3/4 of an inch from the rear wall of the wave guide. The edge of the hole will need a lip, which you can make by melting and filing flat a bead of solder so that the brass mesh that surrounds the microwave probe will make a seal that will keep microwaves from leaking. The wave guide will probably be three inches wide, one and one half inches tall, and six inches long. The horn you will make of sheet copper will extend out from a duplicate of these waveguide dimensions. It will be formed by bending a crude lip where each copper edge of each face will join another. Two by four boards will be clamped into place and hammering the copper seams together will form the shape ready to solder with a propane torch. It takes approximately half a day for a beginner to cut and solder a waveguide and horn together and it is not terribly difficult if you clamp and push wood into place to hold the shape of each seam you are soldering.

After you have made the waveguide and horn you can mount the magnetron by clamping it into place with long screws and a wooden plate so that the brass mesh forms a good contact with the bead of solder you made around the edge of the probe hole. Mount a small electric fan such as the one that was in the microwave oven so that it blows air through the cooling fins of the magnetron. You must next connect the power supply.

A brief description of how a magnetron works in order. A magnetron is a metal cylinder inside a strong magnetic field. Electrons age introduced into this cylinder by a heated cathode in the centre of this cylinder. The voltage, typically in excess of two thousand, accelerates the electrons towards the positively charged interior of the cylinder. As they accelerate, the magnetic field curves their path into an orbit that circles the interior of the cylinder. This cylinder has round notches over which the electrons pass, causing them to whistle the same way air whistles when it is blown over a hole in a musical instrument. The frequency of this whistling is the microwave frequency of the magnetron. The microwave radiation generated by this action is extracted by a probe and injected into the waveguid, where transverse standing waves on the three inch wide faces appear.

When these standing waves encounter the discontinuity where the wave guide flairs out into a horn, they are converted into longitudinal waves that shoot out the end of the horn. They extend outward into space as though the horn extended out to infinity, causing the microwaves to spread out ever thinner as the horn's cross sectional area would enlarge as the horn were extended. A minuscule amount of radiation diffracts off to the sides at the mouth of the horn.

The power supply consists of a transformer with a capacitor and a diode arranged in a voltage doubler. The diode connects to the ground of the power supply. This requires that a ground wire be connected from the ground of the power supply to the ground of the magnetron. The transformer has a well insulated cathode heater winding connected to two terminals. One of these terminals is connected to the capacitor (on the side that connects to the diode) and this also connects to one of the heaters of the cathode. The other cathode heater terminal connects to the other wire from the heater winding. This cathode on the magnetron is well insulated because it is more than two thousand volts more negative than ground. Well insulated wire is needed to prevent arcing. The cooling fan is wired to 120 volts A.C.

You can test the cannon by placing a portable disc or tape player approximately thirty feet in front of it. But stand at least twenty five feet behind the cannon when you operate it. When you plug it in it will take approximately four seconds for the magnetron to heat up. When it does, the compact disc player will buzz loudly. It may even cut out completely. Only test it for a second or two at a time. You might accidently burn out the disc player. At approximately fifty feet away, the disc player the author used began to work again, but tapes were unusable for well over one hundred feet. However, the author's prototype used only a 400 watt magnetron. There are magnetrons of slightly over a kilowatt available. But even 400 watts will light up a flourescent tube placed directly in front of it. If the flourescent tube test does not work, try hanging a small neon indicator light in front of the mouth of the cannon no more than two feet away. It will glow bright red. You will find that you can make it glow as far as four or five feet from the mouth of the cannon, further with a more powerful magnetron.

In the future there will be digital radio which uses satellites and microwave dishes. The reception of a microwave dish has what are called side lobes, regions that are not in front of the dish that can receive microwave signals. It is very likely that this will make it a simple matter to aim the microwave cannon at the satellite dish and jam its reception. Of course, the digital radio receiver can also be irradiated the same way you irradiate disc players and tape players.

Your microwave cannon is now ready to use.