© Troy Powers

Inspired by Cooijmans' Test for Interested Females, a pioneering opus of tremendous import, I, Troy Powers of Lubbock, TX, USA, offer an alternative. First, let me suitably laud the Cooijmans' masterpiece and be quick to mention that the Power Test for Babes is not offered as a substitute. Mr. Cooijmans' test is, to my knowledge, the first test published on the Internet which begins to incorporate abilities (see note 1) which correlate less well with general intelligence, yet without which we would be little more than gooey brain matter. Further, the stated purpose of the Cooijmans' TIF is to act as a Paul's initial sieve or thresher, separating eligible and usable wheat from ineligible and unusable chaff as a precursor to courting. It is, therefore, tailored to Mr. Cooijmans' personal tastes. It can not help but be biased, and of course is intended to be biased. Mr. Cooijmans is far too skilled a test designer to create malfunction. Whether or not the Cooijmans' TIF has been influenced by Universal Truths, I can't say. In other words, has Mr. Cooijmans' consulted Judge Qoymans and obtained some "universal" standards? Judge Paul Qoymans' purview is "ethical, moral, judicial, or punitive", however, so I rather doubt it. Even if this is so, and the Cooijmans' TIF operates in its entirety as a universally pure benchmark, my new POWER TEST FOR BABES is not offered as a replacement of any kind. Recognizing that men's taste is highly variable, prone to prejudices of all kinds, hardly universal and perhaps even capricious; this test measures only what I, Troy Powers, know a whole lot about - my life as a ladies' man. Let me stress once more, the TPPTB in no way: Competes with, augments, or substitutes for the TIF and the purpose for which it was designed.

Note 1. (Hierarchy in italics below is a copyrighted Cooijmans' construction):

Hierarchy (educated guess)
Cor Ability
.9 Pattern recognition
.8 Reasoning
.7 Verbal, Numerical
.6 Spatial
.5 Memory, Mental tempo, Perception, Emotional stability, Concentration
.4 Dexterity, Sense of gravity, Kinesthetic, Sense of time, Pulchritude, Spiritual
.3 Athletic (speed and strength)
.2 Athletic (stamina)
.1 Many specific abilities


This test is for female humans only. Consultation with other females is expected.

Test I. One (1) correct answer on the Cooijmans' Nemesis test. You must take the Nemesis, send your answers to Paul Cooijmans with the appropriate scoring fee along with a written waiver allowing him to forward your score report to me:

Include one extra US dollar for postage and a pre-addressed envelope so that Mr. Cooijmans is not burdened with administrative tasks superfluous to his overall mission.

Test II. Age:

12 Points: 18 - 25 years old
15 Points: 26 - 33 years old
10 Points: 34 - 43 years old
6 Points: 44 - 50 years old
2 Points: 51+ years old

Test III. Milkshake Test

Make yourself a 60 ounce extra thick milkshake. You may use any flavor you prefer. You are to sit at a table with the milkshake and drink it through a standard-sized plastic straw. Have someone time you with a stopwatch, or a watch that reports time in seconds. Drink the milkshake down as best you can in one draught, without stopping for breath or taking a break.

Point Matrix

Seconds 30-59 60-119 120-149 150-179 180+
10-19 2 4 6 8 10
20-29 4 6 8 10 12
30-39 6 8 10 12 14
40-49 8 10 12 14 16
50-59 10 12 14 16 18
60 15 20 25 30 35

Test IV. Bowling Ball

Place a 20-pound bowling ball between your thighs and hold it there for as long as possible. Have a friend time how long you are able to keep the sphere locked in place between your thighs. When the ball begins to slip, the test is over.


1 Point 9 Seconds
5 Points 9-15 Seconds
10 Points 16-20 Seconds
15 Points 21-25 Seconds
20 Points 26-30 Seconds
25 Points 31-35 Seconds
30 Points 36-40 Seconds
35 Points 41+ Seconds

Test V. Watch the Motion Picture Caddy Shack

Did you:

Not laugh: 0 Points
Laugh: 5 Points
Laugh a lot: 15 Points
Split your sides: 35 Points

Test VI. Hillary Test

Do You:

Approve of Hillary Clinton: 0 Points
Don't Care: 15 Points
Despise Hillary Clinton: 35 Points

Test VII. Alcohol Drink Test

At a Party in a 2-Hour Period Do You:

Object to all Drinking 0 Points
Not Drink for Health Reasons 10 Points
Like 0-1 Drink 5 Points
Like about 2 Drinks 10 Points
Drink about 3 Drinks 15 Points
Like about 4-5 Drinks 35 Points
Drink 5+ Drinks 0 Points

Test VIII. Pulchritude

Subjective scale of 0-35 points. Send a current full-body photo along with your other test answers. Include explanations, if you feel it necessary, as to why the photo may not be an accurate representation of your true appearance (e.g. camera malfunction, camera quality, inept photographer, lighting, and so forth).