PA WIRELESS NEWSERVICE
V. XIQ GALA OPENING: FINAL JUSTICE
MINOSMART: Marbles. I also like to eat marbles. Virgins, youths, and marbles do I eat. I do not like to eat old farts in Kevlar. I am very hungry. Who is this ugly man, shaking in his plastic suit, with yellow-brown slime dripping out? (PA Wireless notes that the cowardly Epicurus had indeed shit his Kevlar) I usually get to eat Virgin Maidens, youths, and marbles. But I am very hungry. (SNORT, BELLOW, SNORT) I will eat this smelly man after I ask him some questions:
MINOSMART: Smelly man!!!!
MINOSMART: I AM NOT MINOTAUR!!! I AM MINOSMART!!!
I SEE ALREADY THAT YOU ARE GOING TO FAIL MY TEST. You do not even know my name. I should eat you now and not bother even to test you.
We turn our attention back to Zeno. While Epicurus was busy
shitting himself, Zeno (Cageman) had been using his extremely high intelligence to devise means to disable the I-GATORS. Wresting the thrashing, ravenous I-CRITTERS had revealed, literally, their Achilles Heel. For easy up-loading and down-loading of data/instructions to the main internal flash-memory I-CHIP, the manufacturer had designed an open-external-main-port located on the left front heel of the I-GATOR. The incredibly brilliant Zeno felt the odd recess and knew instantly
that this was the key to defeating an I-GATOR.
Even though Zeno (Cageman) had never seen even one single episode
of TVs McGiver, with his enormous intellect, highly developed sense Creative Association, knowledge of electronics, and a little luck he saw immediately what to do
EPICURUS: No, Mr. MINOSMART!!! Please test me, I can pass it.
You dont have to eat me. If you are hungry, you can eat that other guy (pointing in the direction of the splashing ZENO/I-GATOR fracas).
MINOTAUR: Very well. You look very stupid to me, but I am very
hungry. Did I mention that usually I eat marbles, maidens, and youths? You look fatty in places, and tough and stringy and old in others. Also, you smell very bad. (SNORT, BELLOW, SNORT). Let us make and end, I will ask you these questions three. If you are able to answer any one of them correctly, I will not eat you. If you fail, I will eat you even though you are not a marble, a maiden, or a youth. Are you ready, smelly man?
First: OBJECT OF THE CAMERA : EVA HERZIGOVA :: ESSENTIAL
METHOD BY WHICH OBJECT OF LIFE IS ACHIEVED : WHAT?
EPICURUS: Oh, thats easy you dumb-ass MINOSMART!! Its
WITHDRAWAL!!! As pleasure, or lack of bad sensation in mind and body is the OBJECTIVEwe know that WITHDRAWAL FROM THE WORLDS INFERNAL GRIP IS ESSENTIAL!!!!
MINOSMART: THAT IS INCORRECT, SMELLY MAN. IT IS LOOKING LIKE
I WILL HAVE TO EAT YOU YET.
EPICURUS: But, but, Im EPICURUS!!! THATS HOW IM
SUPPOSED TO ANSWER!!!!
MINOSMART: I do not give a shit who you think you are. You are
wrong. DUTY AND SERVICE to your community and fellow man, of which you are an integral part and therefore, with such relationship to those communities and social structures, you owe SERVICE AND DUTY, NOT WITHDRAWAL!!!! BUT, YOU ARE A SELFISH PIG, AS I COULD SEE IMMEDIATELY UPON RELEASE FROM MY CAGE!!!
Second Question: VIPER REVOLUTON PESO II RANDOM CUBES
WHAT IS COMMON FEATURE SMELLY MAN?
(theme music from the TV Show Jeopardy plays, LA, LA, LAA, LA,
LA, LA, LAA
until the music does its wrap-up figure with the question unanswered by Epicurus, who apparently has peed himself now in addition to the other nasty business)
MINOSMART: TIME IS UP STUPID SMELLY MAN. THE ANSWER IS ROLLING SNAKE-EYES IN A MEXICAN DICE GAME. YOU CRAPPED-OUT ON THAT ONE. HA, HA, (BELLOW, SNORT, BELLOW) MINOSMART MAKES A FUNNY, HA, HA.
meanwhile, Zeno (McGiver/Cageman) has been executing
his brilliant, super-genius plan to nuke the I-GATORS. Fortuitously, Zeno had forgotten to remove his electronic sphygmomanometer before the match. Disassembling it with his teeth and with the help of one hand whenever one could be freed up (remember, he is wrasslin several I-GATORS all at once), he crafts a make-shift electro-pulse sender from the parts, rips the wiring from an adjacent marine thrill-cam, glues pulse-sender and wire together with an old piece of Bazooka Bubble Gum saved up from 15 years ago now nicely moistened by the channel water, shoves the wire and pulse sender into the bus of the nearest I-GATOR (not hard to find), and bands it fast to the I-GATORs Achilles. Of course, the I-GATORs signals are all fouled up and it begins to over-heat. The other heat-seeking I-GATORS, naturally, go after the HOT GATOR, allowing Zeno enough rope to climb out of the channel and back on to the Elysium Field.
Third Question: COMPLETE THIS SERIES: 8,6,7,5,3,0,?
EPICURUS: THREE ??
MINOSMART: NOT!!! NOW IM GOING TO EAT YOU. LUCKY FOR
ME, I HAVE ZANTAC TO HELP WITH THE STOMACH UPSET YOU WILL NO DOUBT BE CAUSING ME LATER.
EPICURUS: CAN I HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE?
MINOSMART: OKAY. SHOOT.
Epicurus is crying now. Crying is such a nondescript word.
Well try to punch it up. Epicurus is sobbing, sobbing in waves of anguish!!!
EPICURUS: AAAAHHHH, (SNURKLE, CHOKE) PLEEEEEZZZE MR. MINOSMART, DONT EAT ME, JUST GIVE ME ONE MORE CHANCE?!?!
MINOSMART: OKAY, BUT THIS IS THE LAST.
EPICURUS: MINUS 2 ?
MINOSMART: NOPE. REALLY, NOW, IVE GOT TO EAT YOU
THE ANSWER IS NINE. ITS FROM THE SONG JENNY, JENNY
. YOU KNOW THE ONE WHERE THE GUY SINGS JENNY I GOT YOUR NUMBER, 867-5309. SO IT IS NINE, GOT IT???
EPICURUS: AARRRRGGGHHHH???!!!!! (LOTS OF BAWLING,
Now, fortunately for Epicurus, Zeno has made it all the way
back to the Alter. The Minosmart is just about to make a meal of Epicurus, when we hear the buzzer sound yet again. Wonder of wonders, Zeno has depressed the RED BUTTON.
ZENO: IGNEOUS, ETHEREAL, MOTILE, AND QUIESCENT.
MINOSMART: HEY, WHO DID THAT?
ZENO: IT TWAS I, ZENO
THE ZEENMAN, THE ZEENSTER,
THE ZEENMIESTER, THE ZEENABULOUS, ZEEN-OP-O-LIS
EPICURUS: AWW SHADDUP, CAGEMAN.
(victory music starts playing
.Iron Man interspersed with the theme from Star Wars)
REFEREE: THIRTY MINUTES ARE NOW OVER. DEUS EX-MACHINA!!!!!
Descending on a cable from an opening in the Al-Batanni Sky
we see what appears to be a GIGANTIC WOODEN CLOWN-HAMMER. The MINOSMART snatches the cable, removes the Clown-Hammer, and deals Epicurus a round-house blast to the forehead.
REFEREE: EPICURUS IS
..UNABLE TO CONTINUE. THE
WINNER IS ZZZZEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!.
By now the crowd has recovered: aaaaarrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!
JOEL: Well, that appears to be it, sports fans!!!!! Hairy, you
okay boy?? Wanna say anything before we go to commercial?
HAIRY: Not really, I just should have listened to my mothershe wanted me to be a Cowboy.
END OF EVENT COVERAGE
PA WIRELESS NOTE:
Obviously, we leave with the surface of possibility (inherent
in the WWF/XIQ formula) more, rather than less virginal-- largely unexplored. The author sincerely hopes future contributors (to this magazine) may wish to utilize the forum. Seems like a great place to do some battles, abuse some guys, good stuff like that
.very best, the PA WIRELESS. Go for it!!!